MOVING!!!!

After a few months of blogging, someone suggested to me that I try wordpress.com so that's what I am going to do.  This will still be here as my older blog posts are all here...however for future posts please go to:

A GIRL NAMED JOCELYN BLOG

My life....

...it's sometimes a little crazy!  The last couple of weeks, since I was sick, have been GO GO GO!  Things never really seem to slow down.  I've been meaning to update things here for the last couple of weeks...but just haven't had time.  So here's a quick update on some stuff:

1.  Dating - I said a few weeks ago that I was done with dating for the next 6 months.  Initially it was a reaction to things going on in my life...and so it was a blanket statement.  And in many ways it still is.  However, in the course of the last few weeks since making that decision I have made some modifications.  See before I made that decision I was struggling with being okay with being alone, with not having someone in my life beyond my kids.  And so I figured that the only way to get okay with that was to immerse myself in it.  But then I got to thinking - I talk alot about balance, about keeping things in proper perspective and this all-or-nothing stance I was taking wasn't necessarily balanced.  So what I decided was this.  I won't be initiating anything with anyone.  But if someone else did, that would be different.  And so that's where I stand on that! :) 

2.  Being alone - being alone has always been hard for me.  Quiet, or too much of it, was always unsettling.  In the last few weeks I have been embracing being alone...learning to enjoy those quiet moments like I never have before.  Not always having the TV on for background noise.  Or even music for that matter.  For the first time in years I sit in my office sometimes for hours at a time with nothing but the sound of my fingers on the keyboard...and it's becoming more comfortable.  Don't get me wrong, my prefered work environment still consists of music and human interaction in small doses, but I am finally able to accomplish just as much during a day without any of that as I am with it.  I know for some people that is mind-boggling - they require quiet and no interruptions to be at their peak in terms of performance.  I have been the opposite in days gone by.  However, it's becoming an area in which FINALLY I am far more balanced than I used to be! :)  I'd go so far as to say that I have almost achieved a really great mix of the two.  Both at home and at the office.  It feels good.

3.  Taking risks/leaving comfort zones - I am a cautious risk taker.  I never used to go to new places or events unless I was accompanied by a friend, or at the very least knew one or two other people.  I've started to do more of that...stepping out and going where I wouldn't have before.  I'm also considering doing things I would never have before.  I'm taking chances, stepping out.  Learning to live once again.  The shackles of fear that used to be on me have loosened and while I am not going to go crazy and take all kinds of unnecssary risks, I am not going to allow fear to stop me from experiencing good things anymore.  From developing new friendships, learning new sports or activities, giving of myself.  And ya know, I've always been somewhat confident but I'm growing in that by leaps and bounds these days...and I love it! :)

Okay...that's enough of an update.  There is more I could talk about - how I have been working on writing down the fundamental things I want in my life, the things I want to experience.  How in defining those things that I want, I am also defining who I am and what my purpose is.  I could write about the challenges i have been facing lately in terms of parenting and the changes I am seeing in myself and my kids.  I could write about anger and forgiveness and grace.  But it's late.  I'm tired.  And I need something to talk about tomorrow!

I'b god a cobe (Translation: I am sick)

I'll admit it.  I am THE WORST sick person.  I say that for a few reasons.  1.  I tend to be rather stubborn and refuse to give in to the reality that my body is getting sick in the first place, and therefore I keep on pushing even though I should stop and rest.  2.  I feel guilty when I have to stop and rest...and really can't quite do it.  For example, I am at home writing this, too sick to really be at work, and yet I am still working - the wonders of virtual offices!  3.  I whine.  Yes, it's true.  I am a horrid sick person because I whine.  And all I want is for someone to please take care of me and everything around me.  Primarily me.  I want my back rubbed, my head rubbed, my feet rubbed, tea, toast, movies, conversation, cuddles....oh and can you please deal with all the kid and house related stuff that still needs to happen because I just want to lay here and whine.  Yes, I am a horrid sick person. 

And then there is the Sick Person fashions/appearances!  haha!  Normally I am pretty particular about the state in which I appear to the public.  But as soon as I start to feel not so great...that goes out the window!  I could care less about hair, makeup and even, at times, teeth brushing (I know...EW!!!).  I don't care if what I put on coordinates or even looks remotely decent.  I just care about comfort and warmth.  It's not like my cats or my kids really care and any human being who dares to venture through my door when I am sick already loves me just as I am not matter what...whether I have showered or not! 

That's the thing about being sick, I've found...you sometimes find out who your true loved ones are...the ones who will be there no matter how skanky you may get...in attitude or appearance.  And granted that's not necessarily a true test of a friendship, it does tell a lot about a person when they are willing to expose themselves to germs and stuff without a lot of thought to their own selves.  And I'm not saying to stay away is necessarily bad...I totally understand not wanting to expose one's self to the flu or whatever the illness may be (in my case, it's the flu!).  However, I can't help wonder what Jesus' attitude towards it would be.  He called us to care for the sick, the injured, the widows and orphans...but was it a conditional command?  A "when it doesn't inconvenience you or put you in harm's way or compromise your own health" care for them?  Or was it a "no matter what you must care for these people" kind of command?  I fail miserably if it's the latter...and yet I suspect that's exactly what it was. 

A friend asked me a few questions last night about Jesus and the miracles and with some of those thoughts in my head and being sick, I got to wondering today how Jesus felt at times when people asked him to do miracles.  Did he feel inconvenienced?  By stopping and healing the blind man, was he late for an appointment?  When he fed all those thousands, was he not just a little put out that all these people didn't bother to plan ahead and thus put him on the spot like that?  Or did those thoughts just never occur to him?  He encountered and exposed himself to diseases of every type while here on earth...was he ever concerned for his own health?  He was human, after all, and one could speculate that he therefore could have gotten sick just like the rest of us.  The Bible doesn't say if he ever did or not...I'm guessing he probably didn't but who knows?  The Bible tells us a lot about Jesus...and despite the inconvenience, the potential health risks, the social stigmas and politics, Jesus never hesitated to help the sick, the injured, the widows or the orphans. 

Sitting here as a sick person today it sure makes me think about my own life and what my reactions are to situations where I can help someone but it is going to cost me something to do so.  It's easy to help friends/loved ones but am I willing to help those I don't know?  I don't know.  But it's something I am going to have to think about for a while.  Reminds me of a song I really like....

HANDS & FEET - AUDIO ADRENALINE

Let me add...

I am feeling lonely tonight...however I would much rather be here alone with my kids and my cats than with the wrong person.  So while I don't like this feeling, I embrace it and will learn from it.  I hope!  haha!  I am learning to rely more on my God than I have ever relied on Him before.  It's scary and yes it's somewhat lonely at times.  But in the end I know that He will be faithful.  He always is.

It's Friday Night....

...and I gotta admit.  I'm feeling a little lonely these days.  Oh I know I'm not truly alone but sometimes knowing that doesn't make being on my own any easier.  I've got the words/music "I'm Lonely....so lonely" going through my head.  Just that phrase.  It's annoying.  But so is feeling like I am. 

I know my life is a good life and I have so much to be thankful for.  Family, friends, great church community, good job, roof over my head, car to drive.  But yet on a Friday night I am home, alone, with my kids in bed, my cats playing down the hall and no one to talk to.  AND IT SUCKS!  I have a good life but I'd really like to have someone to SHARE that life with.  And yes.  I did say I was going on a 6 month dating hiatus, still am, but I can't help but wonder if feeling this way is what I am in for....for SIX LONG MONTHS or MORE!  But maybe that's the point.  Maybe the whole point of taking 6 months just to be on my own is to learn to depend on GOD rather than anyone else.  Seems somewhat elementary, I guess.  But is it too much to ask for Him to send someone my way to snuggle with on a Friday night while watching a movie, to laugh and cry with, to share special moments with?  Sigh....

Today....

I know that today carries a lot of significance for many of my friends, American and Canadian alike.  8 years ago as we turned on our TV's first thing in the morning we were greeted by a sight no one could ever have imagined possible....the sight of those airplanes hitting the Towers...and just like everyone else, I will never forget where I was and what I was doing that morning when I saw that happen.

However, it is because of where I was and what I was doing that this day holds significance for me.  You see, I was 36 weeks pregnant with my second child and had just been medivac transferred to Grande Prairie, AB the day before (please note:  I was to have been medivac'ed on September 11th but God saw fit to make an empty plane returning from Edmonton available the day before).  It was early in the morning and I was waiting word on the latest ultrasound results...."had my placenta moved enough for me to safely go full-term with this pregnancy?" was the question on my mind.  As I sat in my hospital room, looking out the window on that beautiful sunny day, I wasn't aware that the world as we knew it was about to change in front of our eyes.  No, what I was aware of was a great sense of peace and calm...knowing that regardless of what the doctors were about to tell me it would be okay. 

Thankfully I received the news I was hoping for....my placenta had moved.  Significantly.  Enough that I could probably go home in a couple weeks and I could carry my baby full-term without risking my life or his.  It was with this knowledge in my head and joy in my heart that I made my way down the hall to the TV room...where I watched two airplanes destroy the false sense of security that millions of people had lived with up until that moment.  As I stood there, eyes fixed on the TV, horrified at what I was watching, desperately sad for the families I knew were losing loved ones in those moments, I couldn't help but still feel this incredible peace and joy....while this horror was happening I was experiencing my own miracle...and my son was safe.  For the first time in two months I knew that everything was going to be okay. 

And THAT is what today is for me.  Today marks the anniversary of a miracle.  A yearly reminder that God is in control and is the Master Healer.  You see, I had placenta previa so severely that the doctors all said that it was impossible for the uterus to grow enough, and therefore the placenta to move enough, for me to consider a natural delivery.  In fact, they didn't understand why I had no complications whatsoever prior to that first day when I started to bleed at 7 months pregnant.  Given the position of the placenta, I should have started bleeding out months earlier.  There were a couple times when they were getting ready to do emergency C-Sections in order to get that baby out and the bleeding stopped as fast as possible....each time the bleeding stopped on its' own, something that shouldn't have happened.  God made it possible for me to transfer from Edmonton to Grande Prairie, closer to home, on September 10th and had that not happened, I was to have had a C-section on Thursday, September 13, 2001.  Instead, I went home on October 2nd or so...was able to spend the last two weeks of my pregnancy at home, doing normal "mom" things, savouring those last few days alone with my daughter.  And on October 14, 2001 my son was delivered safely and without drugs or interventions of any kind. 

I remember those who were injured or killed today.  The families who were left behind to deal with the tragedy of the day's events.  But in my heart I am thanking God for miracles and remembering those today.

Unwritten Pages

Well, I'll admit it.  My ability to NOT contact anyone has been shown to not exist.  Or is it my self-control?  Sigh.  I'd like to say that I was forced to make contact but alas that would not be true.  Tomorrow I resolve to do better.

Today was the first official all-day first day of school.  Emily came home with her agenda - very excited about the new SUPER COOL format that the older grades get to use.  Today reminded me of whenever I have headed back to school and all the things I loved about it....the smell of new binders, the sound of pencil crayons as they are being sharpened, the feeling of hope and renewed purpose I'd always feel - "THIS year I will be organized and stay on top of things" was always my motto.  There was just something about knowing that the coming months were totally unwritten and I had the power to write on the pages of them anything I wanted.  Of course when I was the ages my kids are now, I thought far simpler thoughts.  Things more along the lines of "I hope I have the coolest pencil case" or "I wonder if anyone else got the set of 64 Crayola Crayons with the built-in sharpener?"  I was always really anal about things too...I'd show up to school with all my pencil crayons and crayons in rainbow order....meticulously laid out and organized!  Who am I kidding?  I still would do that....if I had pencil crayons or crayons!!!

Going back to the idea of the new pages upon which to write things....I love this idea.  It's really quite powerful when you think about it.  Each day, when I get up, I have a new opportunity to change my world, to alter the course of my life, to affect change in the lives around me.  No matter what happened yesterday, TODAY is totally unwritten and I am not required to repeat any of the mistakes I made yesterday.  I can start over fresh and new every morning.  In some ways this could be quite intimidating though...an endless parade of days marching before me totally void of anything written on their pages until I arrive there.  The enormity of that task could be quite overwhelming.  But thankfully it doesn't have to be.  I don't have to worry about the details of those days to come....God already knows each and every day ordained for me and what those days will hold for me. 

Right now I am at a point where I have no idea what is going to happen with my life or where things are going.  I don't feel like I am a totally blank slate however there are certain areas of my life that I really cannot even begin to formulate a picture of what might be...let alone what WILL be.  Two major areas come to mind as I type this....the first one being my finances - I am working on these but I really don't know how God is going to provide all the needs of my family.  The other area is, of course, my love life!  It's odd really...but I have had to stand with hands opened and an attitude of "Here is my heart, my hopes, my dreams, Lord.  I am giving them to you.  I trust you to grant me the desires of my heart....in the way, shape and form you deem best."  Certainly isn't easy...I know I am going to have to do this over and over.  And while I can express what my picture of how that all looks, I have to be willing to accept that my picture and God's picture may not be exactly the same.  And that is okay...I think....

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:16

 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you 

the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Today....

I woke up this morning and did what I do every morning....reached for my cell phone to text a "Good morning" greeting only I couldn't because I am taking a month off from all that.  I have to admit that today I am feeling the pain of the reality of things more than on the weekend.  My heart is sad.  And I know that I need to trust all this to God but it's in the moments of pain that sometimes it is really hard.  But I know He knows my needs, my desires, my hurts and my joys.  He is in control and has nothing but good in mind for me.  I just need to keep on holding onto Him and trusting Him in the every day moments of my day...especially those moments when I am missing another terribly....He does work all things together for good even if I can't see the final big picture in this moment, He knows what it's going to look like in the end.

"Your Grace...still amazes me..."

Photo courtesy of John E. McCauley; Taken by Brett Burrow

Your Grace Still Amazes Me  (Click link to listen)

This song says it all...as I sit here tonight and think on the last few years, and more recently, months, I am astounded by the grace the Father has shown me.  Time and again I have failed Him...and yet He is always there for me.  He never leaves me.  No matter what I do or how far I stray, He is always there...

What truly amazes me is how little I deserve His love and forgiveness and tender mercies.  And yet each and every day He is making them available to me.  Each day he renews me.  Waits for me to come to Him and once again lay my life in His hands.  Every day.  And every day He astounds me with His grace.

The last few days have been anything but easy and at times I have felt like nothing good would come out of the situation.  How could it?  But yesterday I felt peace about things for the first time and today even more so.  I have no idea where God is taking me or what He's going to do with this heart of mine...but I know His grace is beyond sufficient...and He will heal my soul and renew my heart.

This is my prayer, too, for others...that they may realize that despite the fact that we are undeserving of it, God is standing waiting with hands open ready to give us the gift of His grace.  It truly is deeper, wider, stronger and higher than anything our eyes can see....and yet it's right here...always.  Available to us.  Wow.  THAT amazes me....

1 Day down....179 Days to go....

...in my 6 months No Dating time.  I know it's early in but I had a tough time last night.  But I know that was in part due to the fact that I had just told someone that I wouldn't be in contact with them for a month...while I decided what I wanted in terms of friendship.  It's hard when circumstances and events lead you to the point with someone where you aren't even sure you want that anymore.  Especially for me as I am one who doesn't totally expose themselves to just anyone...I have a small handful of people that I have done that with and he's one of them.  So to think about not having that friendship....well, it's a big deal.  However, I really need to consider a lot of things....and make sure I don't put myself into a position where I get hurt like I have.

I had a dream last night, or rather this morning while I slept in, that involved my current situation as well as a girlfriend of mine...her story, in my dream, made my situation look like nothing!!  We were with another friend of mine and her man...driving somewhere and he was testing me in my "No dating for 6 months" thing...kept showing me pictures of his friends - HOT friends! haha - and telling me that he could set up a date with any one of them for me if I was interested and I WAS STICKING TO MY GUNS! :)  I always like it when my dreams back up my awake decisions!  haha  It was certainly interesting!

Today I am going to start reading "Boundaries"...I've started it before but haven't really gotten much past the first chapter for whatever reason...usually because I get busy and haven't had time for a lot of reading.  But this time it's different...and I intend to finish it this week.  I'll post my observations and thoughts as I go...I have a feeling there are going to be a few "AHA!" moments in the next few days!

Addendum to my earlier post....

I've been doing a lot of thinking today about what I would say to the one who has hurt me if I had the opportunity to say something face to face.  I know I could have listed all kinds of things that had hurt me.  And while I can think of one or two, I really am feeling hard pressed to think of all the little things.  That is how I am...I get angry but it doesn't take long before I am passed that moment and I, as always, am left trying hard to remember details.  However, that doesn't diminish the fact that I have still been hurt.  What worries me though is that, despite my declaration that I need space and time away from it all, I could easily forget that and end up back where I was before.  And so while I may not feel the anger any longer, I still need to remember what had me feeling that way in the first place and I also need to make sure I take the time I need to ensure my heart is healed.  Which leads me to my decision to take six months without dating.  I need to concentrate on continuing to grow and learn about who I am and what makes me tick.  I need to take the time to grow in my faith and give God time to show me what He wants for me.  And one of the things I am going to start learning is about boundaries and how to set them and stick to them!  Yes, I'm getting there...have come a long way from where I used to be but I still have a long way to go.....

Thoughts and Decisions...

Not really sure what all I am feeling today but I have come to a few conclusions and decisions about some things. And thought I'd share those with you.

Anger - it's not a bad thing to feel when someone has hurt you.  It can be useful in helping you make decisions and choices that need to be made.  I don't need to feel bad for holding someone accountable for their actions towards me that cause me to feel hurt and anger.  In fact it's healthy for me to allow myself to feel that hurt and anger and, when appropriate, express how I am feeling and what I am thinking as a result.  I say all this because my usual MO is to feel it, stuff it down or not let myself feel it, tell the person that it's okay and not to worry about it, and leave it all.  But then that opens the door to allow them to do it again...because I feel bad if I make them feel bad...and so I just let it be.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  Starting today I am expressing it when it needs to be.  Letting it be known that it is not okay to hurt me or indirectly my children.  It is not okay to treat me badly.  It is okay to make choices and decisions but every choice and decision we make has consequences.  Starting today I am going to put boundaries in place when these things happen.  I have to say allowing myself to feel and do in this way feels really good.  I am not responsible for the way others feel...I am responsible for how I allow them to treat me.

Kids - I know that not everyone understands or subscribes to the idea that children are a gift from God.  But I believe that.  But my actions through the last nine years don't back that up.  I have never stood before my church and dedicated my children, and my family, to God.  And after listening to the Kastens this morning I realized that I really need to.  And so I am going to.  Having made the decision I am realizing how big a deal it really is.  And I wish I had gone with my heart back when the kids were younger.  I always wanted to do it but their dad wasn't a big fan of the idea.  I followed his lead in that but never agreed.  I am going to follow it on September 19th.  And I can't wait!

Well there was a little more that I had thought about today but for now I am tired and going to go and take my Sunday afternoon nap.  More to come later.

Matters of the Heart...

I must confess that many of my life lessons have come from moments of heartache caused by failed relationships with men.  For some reason I find myself ashamed to admit that...maybe that's because there have been a few of those or maybe it's because I've always thought of myself as a strong woman and yet so weak or blind when it comes to men.  Whatever the reason, I'm not proud of this fact.

The latest episode involves myself and a man I have counted my friend for a while now, a man who I foolishly trusted with my a great part of my heart.  I hesitate to say all of my heart because I think a part of me knew I better hold back some of it.  And turns out I was right to do that.  The pattern was there and I just refused to acknowledge it...the chance to be together but rejected until it's not possible (generally because I started dating someone else) and then the talk, the pressure would be on until it was possible again.  The old "Don't want what you have until you can't have it" scenario.  AND I FELL FOR IT!  For a little while i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...that the being together couldn't be true, could it??  And sure enough on Friday night at 10:30 or so it dropped.  For the final time.

In the past I have been a very understanding and accomodating person with all this.  A putz, if the truth be told.  "You don't know what you want?  That's okay...I can wait."  "You just want to be friends?  Well that's not totally what I want but okay...it's better than nothing." I was hurt, disrespected, mistreated and yet not once in all that time did I get really angry.  If it was one of my girlfriends doing that I'd be kicking her ass.  WELL NO MORE!!  Those days are over.

When the shoe dropped it was accompanied with the phrase "I really want us to be friends and I think we can be." To which I replied my stock phrase "Well I would like to be friends so yes, I think we can be too".  By the time I returned home last night things were changing.  I had agreed to accompany him to a party at a friend's place out of town tonight but already knew, in the 7 minutes it took for me to drive home, that I wasn't going to do that.  And this morning when I woke up, I knew what I really wanted.  And for the first time, friendship, relationship of any kind, with this person was at the bottom of the list.  And I was feeling ANGRY.

I still feel angry.  As per usual, after making such a decision, he pulled out the "poor me...I'm so sad" card and this time I was having none of it.  My response was different than before.  This time it was "Too bad.  You made a choice.  Deal with it.  I don't want to hear about it." And I truly don't.  He is choosing to live his life and not include me in it the way he said he wanted me in it.  Fine.  Don't expect me to be all sympathetic and crap.  

At this point I am ready to "wash that man right out of my hair".  For the first time in a long time I think about not having him in my life and I don't feel the least bit sad about that.  I know that's partly because I am angry but damn it!  I have every right to be angry.  One person's selfishness has caused me to be hurt.  And not just me.  5 kids are involved in this as well.  And if he thinks for one second that they won't be affected, he's wrong.  He's going to have to live with that.  

I'm still not quite sure what lesson I am learning from all this...in time I am sure I'll figure that out.  But what I do know is this:  No more lessons learned this way.  I say that but I have no idea how that is going to be accomplished.  Maybe by not having anything to do with them in any way other than friendship.  Hmmm...that has me thinking...

I talked the other day about the movie "Julie & Julia" and how she, Julie, embarked on a one year journey of cooking through Julia Child's cookbook.  I said something about maybe my life needs a challenge of sorts in it.  I wonder, can I go 6 months without dating at all?  Hmmm...I know there would be some days in which it's easy to hold to.  And other times not so much.  But maybe that's the point.  Maybe, just maybe, it's in that time that i will learn the greatest lessons....

Yes, I am going to do it.  YIKES!  Six months.  That's September 6 (cuz it's already Sunday!) to March 5, 2010.  That will be 180 days.  No dates.  No relationships other than friendships.  Even if I meet someone I really want to date, no dice.  If they are interested in me and worth dating, they'll wait and get to know me as a friend first.  But first...I need to go and unfriend someone on Facebook.  Some would say that is drastic but I need to do it....part of starting fresh.

New day.  New lessons.  New challenges.  New me.  (Dang this is going to be hard, I think!)

An Empty Mind...

Not sure if it's the sign of something more serious or if it's a momentary blip however lately my mind has been rather empty of anything profound or interesting. I honestly have nothing to talk about, or so it feels like, with anyone. And I can only think that it's because my life is so steeped in routine, and lacking in variety, to the point that there really is nothing new or interesting to talk about! YIKES!!! I really need to add some spice and interest to my life. But how?

How does one add interest and experience to their lives when finances are a bit of an issue? In an ideal world I'd plan a trip or two, or sign up for a series of classes. And while the classes aren't out of the question, which ones I take are still limited due to the new "debt reduction" plan I am embarking on (more on that in another post!). I'm going to start getting involved with youth at the church as of next weekend (do I really know what I am getting myself into??!!) but will that be enough to create interest? I guess if it's not, I have bigger issues cuz I am thinking that being involved with the youth is going to take up a fair amount of my time and energy! Maybe, rather than being a little worried about my lack of anything to say, I should be thankful for this period of brain rest?

I went and watched "Julie & Julia" last night and it really got me thinking about life. And goals. And I have some...goals, that is, but life has happened and put some of those goals on the back burner. I was hoping to start school here in the fall but instead I lost my job and my reality is that I really need to work for a while. And so now I am finding myself in this strange place where I don't really know where things are going for me or what I am doing. The movie has had me wondering all day what it is that I am passionate about and what is a project that I could assign myself with a deadline? I'm not entirely sure...I am not a cook so I know that cooking is NOT going to be my project! So I am going to have to think on that...ask questions of those who know me well, ponder on things a little bit. Music, reading, writing, papercrafting...all things I enjoy but what can I do that encompass one of those things? I really don't know. Yes...it bears thinking on....

Our New Family Member...

Some would say my family should be complete...I have the bookends happening...one child of each gender. Plus we have a beautiful little girl cat named Autumn who has been part of the family for almost a year now. But they'd be wrong...our family really isn't complete yet. So after a few weeks of searching and praying for the right one, we've added to our family again. This time in the form of a boy...yes, I have bookend cats!! hahaha!!!

Our newest addition is a very smart looking black & white boy weighing in at MAYBE 7 pounds. He's approximately 6 - 8 months old...he was abandoned by his owners and took himself off to the doorstep of a family in Chase, BC. They, having already had a couple cats and kids, decided they couldn't keep him and began the search for a good family for him. And that is where the kids & I come in. I answered the ad on Kijiji and the rest, as they say, is history! :) He arrived this morning at 9:30, his name is Rico and so far he's fit right in....

Autumn really wasn't prepared for the change her life was about to undergo when she woke up this morning!! We've introduced her to a boy who loves to play...and she has become quite the docile cat over the last few months! He's been busy chasing her around the apartment which she is NOT happy about! There has been a couple times when I thought for sure the fur was going to fly but it hasn't yet. Oh there has been some caterwauling and hissing and a few swats at each other but apart from that, they seem to be, at the very least, tolerating each other. I actually think that once they get used to each other (Translation: once Autumn gets used to Rico) they'll be great friends!

So yes, I have two pairs of bookends...but honestly, I'm not convinced that this family is complete yet. I really think we are missing a dog....but that addition will have to wait for quite a while...we need a house of our own first! I can't imagine many landlords being willing to rent their house to a family with 2 cats and a dog!! Plus, I want a BIG dog...and this place just isn't big enough for that!

Below are a few pictures of the new baby...Enjoy! :)

Autumn, checking out this new "person"...

Isaac hanging out with Rico.

Reflections on Being Stuck

STUCK - the inability to move in any direction. Often when we think of this we think of inanimate objects, such as this tractor, mired deep in something that prevents them from getting out without help. However, this word was used yesterday by a friend to describe their position in life. They are stuck. And I have to say, this worries me.
When we are stuck we lack the tools to help ourselves and it is only be reaching out and asking for help are we able to become unstuck, to move once more. The person that drove this tractor into this field had no idea what they were in for when they did so, it was unexpected and rather sudden, I am guessing. And that person was left with a choice: To get out and go for help, seeking out others with the tools, the strength, the capabilities to help them OR stay stuck. It's a fairly simple decision when you look at this picture...a piece of equipment worth thousands of dollars...you're going to go and get help. More than likely there will be some swallowing of pride required; let's face it, you aren't going to find anyone who will help with this situation with a fair amount of teasing and good-natured jokes aimed your way. But despite the possibility for embarrassment and the likelihood of being the butt of jokes for a long while, you wouldn't leave that machine out there.

So why is it, when we as human beings find ourselves stuck in the emotional quagmire that our lives can become so easily, do we so often fail to reach out for the help we need to get out? Why do we insist on spinning our wheels in one place, as this farmer most likely did at first, until we are so deeply mired in muck we can hardly breathe? It's simple really. It's fear. Fear of the pain that may come, will come, when the emotional wounds we have allowed to fester and remain unhealed, are cleaned out and given a chance to heal. Fear of failure...it's a slow process and one that involves making mistakes. Fear of what others may think of us - this one has me shaking my head the most because honestly, anyone who thinks LESS of us for admitting that we need help, has some serious issues of their own. And yet we allow the opinions of those people hold us back. Fear of the unknown.

One thing I have realized in the last few hours is that when a person is stuck, when they KNOW they are stuck, they have to want to become unstuck in order for any movement to happen. You can't push or pull them out of that spot. No amount of begging will work. A stuck person, for whatever reason, is going to stay stuck until they truly want to live a life of freedom again. And that is really sad. They would rather live their lives, mired in the muck of their issues, than seek out the help that is just a phone call away. The saddest part of all that is when they KNOW they are stuck, they have acknowledged they don't know how to get out by themselves, and yet they still do nothing. I honestly can't imagine living my life stuck in the muck.

What worries me most about this is that we cannot begin to help others through the muck of their lives until we get through our own. Until we can ask for the help we need, and until we move beyond where we are, we cannot begin to help others move beyond where they are. And when others watch us, day after day, living our lives stuck like that, letting opportunities and happiness pass us by, we teach them that this is all there is. It really is the blind leading the blind, around and around and around in the same old mess as always.

I spent many years stuck. Stuck in an emotional place that had me thinking I wasn't worth very much. Stuck in an abusive relationship because I was too afraid to step out from my comfort zone and into a world of the unknown. And so I stayed mired, unable to fly, unable to grow, unable to experience joy. But one day I looked up and, like a bird, I saw others flying, soaring, and I knew I couldn't stay stuck any longer. I couldn't help my children become unstuck until I got myself out of the mud. But I couldn't do it alone. In order to break the cycle of wheel spinning that was going on, of being stuck, I had to reach out and ask for help. It was when I did that, a very simple act, that I felt my feet loosen and the mud begin to fall away.

Getting stuck was fairly easy. It started slowly...a tiny little slip in the mud...but before I knew it I was unable to move. Getting out wasn't quite so easy...it took determination, hard work, tears. I had moments when I could see and feel progress being made only to slip back again. Time and again this happened but with each attempt I made it out further as the hold the past had on me loosened. I have learned that three steps forward and two steps back, while extremely frustrating at times, is still progress. And better slow progress than no progress at all.

Isaiah 40:28 - 31 -
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and no grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Asking for help is scary. Letting go of those things that are familiar, even if harmful, is not easy. Acknowledging that we cannot control or make sense of everything ourselves and accepting that requires faith. Stepping out when we have no idea where the path may lead is downright madness. But it is only in doing these things that we are able to truly live.

TODAY I CHOOSE LIFE. I choose to continually go through the process of become unstuck in order to live my life free from the muck and mire. What do you choose? And choose you must.

In Better Hands Now...

As you may, or may not!, know, Music is a HUGE part of who I am. No matter what I am going through or where I am at, it speaks to my soul. At times it does a better job of expressing my heart than I can do. Lately a female Christian singer has caught my ear...and my heart. Natalie Grant seems to "get" me...or maybe I am "getting" her. In either case, there are numerous songs of hers that I love.

Today this one has really spoken to me...and I wanted to share it with you (click on the song title to go to the video of it) ...

IN BETTER HANDS

It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself

But there is hope when my faith runs out
'Cause I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now....

I am strong
All because of You
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that You move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on

And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now...

It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
It's like the world is silent
Though I know it isn't true
It's like the breath of Jesus
Is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

You may ask why this song seems to speak to me....and that's a good question. For many years I struggled with establishing a firm foundation for myself...I was basing my hope and faith in things and people who failed me over and over. And given where I was I wasn't shining...at all. In fact, my light had gone out almost completely. But things have changed for me...

I am in better hands now. I've put my life in God's hands and as a result, I have hope. I am safe and no matter what I encounter, I have strength to get through it all because of Jesus. And so tonight I go to bed...knowing that I am being held in the best hands possible. And no matter what tonight brings (last night was filled with horrible nightmares), there is no doubt in my mind...I AM in better hands now.

Laughter...really is great medicine!!

I have to confess. I was feeling rather down today and a bit "poor me". I don't succumb to those thoughts and feelings often but today I sure did. The predominant thought was "Will I EVER find someone to share my absolutely fabulous life with???" And was wondering how it is that people who are such total disasters manage to find someone to love them??

I really love my life...and am still getting used to the fact that for the first time in my life I don't have any issues with being alone (whether in terms of being single or spending time with just me). However that doesn't lessen the desire to have someone special in my life. And for some reason that desire was especially acute the last few days. I can't explain why it is more pronounced on some days rather than others. But it is a feeling that was building for a few days....

I drove to Edmonton by myself this last weekend and I realized a few days prior that I had NEVER EVER taken a trip over 3 hours completely by myself! Yes, I've driven the road(s) between Kamloops and Fort McMurray, Kamloops & Peace River, NUMEROUS (translation: countless) times, but never ever completely by myself. I always had at least 1 kid with me. This was a new experience and one that I wasn't sure I'd like. However, I hadn't gotten very far down the road before I was really wishing I had a digital recorder to record my thoughts (it's rather difficult to write when one is driving 130+ kms/hour down the highway!). I had a FABULOUS time!!!! I LOVE ROAD TRIPS BY MYSELF!!!!! It really was a great experience.

As I drove towards Edmonton I received a call from a friend who isn't normally in Edmonton (lives north) but was there for the weekend and I arranged to meet up with her. I love her dearly and was super excited to see her. But when I did, it was awkward, strange. I don't know if I was just tired or what but when I sat in that living room with her, I felt like I was coming face to face with who I used to be...and I hardly recognized that person anymore. It was weird. I knew before that afternoon that I had come a very long way from the place I used to be, mentally, emotionally, but this was the first time that the old me and the new me really faced off. I am not saying my friend was me in the past, she isn't at all. However, I met her and we were especially close during those dark days a couple years before, and the days shortly after, I left Bill. And it was in those moments that I started to feel rather lost in ways. A connection I once had seemed to be no more...and I started to realize that I missed being connected in a special way to someone.

And that is when the feeling mentioned above started. It grew over the last few days until it hit its' climax this afternoon, early evening. I was feeling pretty down tonight for a few reasons - the "will I ever find someone" feeling as well as the fact that Isaac was being horrid. I was having a hard time. But between a friend's facebook status and talking with another friend, I ended up laughing so hard tonight that tears were streaming down my cheeks. I laughed so hard I was having a hard time breating even!! And ya know what? Now I feel GREAT! Tonight laughter really was the medicine I needed!!!

To those of you who made me laugh: THANK YOU!!! And I love you!!

Once Upon A Time....

There was a time when, if asked how many kids I wanted, I'd have answered with "At least 4 or 5". Then I had two. And my answer changed slightly...to something like "maybe one more if Bill were to not be in the picture any more for some reason and I got remarried". And then the day arrived when he wasn't part of my life anymore (except as the kids' dad) and almost immediately I was struck with an overwhelming desire for more babies.

BABIES!!! I wanted more...as many as I could get! Or so I thought. I pictured a big family home with my two kids and the new man and me...pregnant with a couple little ones crowding close. Laughter and joy filled the picture. There was a menagerie of animals (dogs, cats, rabbits...etc). You know the picture I mean...the one we all dream of as little girls, albeit slightly altered (divorce and remarriage was never in the original plan)...complete with the picket fence. But what I didn't realize, at the time, was that I was equating happiness with this picture. If that picture equaled happiness then obviously I wasn't happy until I found that. But I was changing...slowly.

As the months went by and I searched in vain for someone to give me this happiness, I was learning about myself. I found my own place, bought my own car, redesigned my wardrobe (found my style), met new people, read some great books, discovered new interests...in essence I was healing and growing. Slowly. And through all this I was watching my kids learn and grow and mature...and I started to question the desire I had to have more children.

During the course of the last couple years friends of mine, new & "old" were walking the road of baby-dom. I started to notice something rather interesting about myself as I interacted with them and heard their stories and spent time with their children. I found myself so thankful that I didn't ever have to go through certain things again - losing my waist as my belly grew, LABOUR & delivery!, sleepless nights, sore nipples, constant demands on my body and my attention (babies are hard work!), diapers - even the wet ones!, potty training, terrible two's and three's, drool, nasty laundry....you name it. And yet the desire to love another child was still strong...

Over the last few months I have come to realize something rather significant (for me). As I have developed relationships with people who have young children, I have been developing a relationship with those kids...and my desire to have another is no longer. And this is a good thing. I have the time and energy to give to others, alongside my children, in the way an aunt would. My children, through these relationships, are able to experience life with cousins, even if they are just cousins of the heart. In turn they also have the opportunity to develop relationships with the adults and have an "aunt" or "uncle" type connection they don't get to experience all the time. I am able to care for and enjoy the children and when the time is done, they go home! AND THIS IS THE IDEAL SITUATION!! :D

The greater part of this reality I am now living with is that my heart is full and I am happy (for the most part) with who I am and where I am at JUST AS I AM. No longer is the idea of being happy tied together with the vision that it once was. And yes, maybe someday some version of that vision will come into being, but I have stopped looking. I am enjoying the people in my life, the relationships I am developing with friends and loved ones (not necessarily separate groups!!), and curious to see who I will encounter tomorrow. Yes, I am still very open to the idea of and ready for someone special however life as it is now is just what it should be!

And so, despite the fact that once upon a time I wanted as many kids as I could have, I am very happy with and proud of the two I have. I am thrilled to spend time with the special ones God is bringing into my life, like Molly (pictured above) and her brother. I am lucky to be able to satisfy that baby-snuggle desire I get at times (yes the heart does tug on occasion!) and to be able to go home at night and sleep! I have truly found my happy place...right where I am today.

Wow! I'm a Grown-Up!

I was reading the latest edition of "Real Simple" magazine and in it the question was asked "When did you first realize that you had become a grown-up?"

I don't really know when I became a grown-up. Some would say it was when I started to be responsible for paying my own bills, things like rent, food, phone. Others may argue that until one has that first serious relationship, you know, the "we're getting married" or "moving in together" relationship...once you've gotten there you are a grown-up. Others may say it's when you buy your first new car, not "new-to-you" car. Or you bring baby home from the hospital. And I don't disagree. However, I think the realization that I was a grown-up was a slow process, one with various points along the way that opened my eyes to that fact.

Growing up I always knew that one day I would be just that, GROWN UP. We've all been asked the question as children "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and for many years past the time when that question was being asked of me by others, I was asking myself. I couldn't answer it. I thought various things might be interesting, but nothing really gripped me. But how can you know what you want to BE when you grow up if you don't know who you ARE?

I've gotten older, traveled, lived in various places with and without roommates, or family. Met and married someone I thought was "the one", had my children, bought the new car, set up house, bought a house, had my heart broken, learned some tough life lessons, lived through the ending of my marriage, sold the house, moved in with my parents and at 31 felt like anything but a grown-up. In fact, in many ways, I felt like I had "gone backwards" in time and returned to a child-like state. And while I needed to be there for that time, it did start me down the road to truly feeling, and being, grown up.

Thinking on the question "when did you first realize you had become a grown-up?" brings to mind that first moment that the idea of that began to glimmer in my mind. As I drove onto the lot of the Toyota dealership, with my children, to look at what they might have...which led to a test drive...a couple of days later I was sitting in front of the leasing agent, signing papers for a car that was, for the first time in my entire life, TOTALLY MINE! I found it, decided on the details of what I wanted in that car on my own. I drove off that lot in my brand-new car (15 Kms on it!) and for the first time started to think I just might be growing up after all.

A couple of months later I was looking for a place to live. I found one, handed over my damage deposit and first rent, got my keys and the kids & I headed over to see the place knowing it was really ours. Honestly, it's nothing to shake a stick at...a basic apartment. But as I stood in that empty living room for the first time with MY name on the lease, it hit me. At the age of 32 I had, for the first time, a place of my very own that I was fully responsible for. No husband, no roommates, no other adults to share it with. Yes my children were there with me and it was their home as well, but it all rested on my shoulders to make happen. I could decorate as I wanted, make a mess or tidy it up as I felt like...every decision was mine to make. I stood in that empty room and all I could do was say "WOAH...I am really growing up!"

But the day I really felt grown up? The day I realized my daughter was growing up. I knew it was happening but I guess part of me figured I'd feel older before she'd actually BE older. And yet one morning I woke up, just a couple months ago, and there she was...no longer a child. Or rather, a child very quickly turning into a young lady. And as we walked into the store to make our first "adult" purchase for her (a bra) I couldn't stop looking at her with wonder. Was it really possible that I could be the mother of a beautiful girl/woman already? Wasn't it just yesterday that she was a tiny little baby girl in my arms? For that matter, wasn't it just yesterday that I got MY first bra??!!!

And so I can't say I had ONE moment in time that had me realizing I was a grown-up. But for me it was better that way. I can't imagine not feeling like an adult, or at least not realizing it at all, and then BOOM! One morning waking up and finding life had snuck up on me! YIKES!! I would have had a hard time with that. Instead I was given tiny little bites...and I was able to digest the idea slowly. Having realized it, I must say there is great freedom in it. I know who I am and what I like and there is no need to apologize for that. I know what I am passionate about and what I am not and I am actively pursuing those things. It's an exciting time! So yes, it might have taken some time for me to get here, but now that I am, I am so glad the journey went the way it did and that the days to come have so much potential.

Ahhh....Here's to being an ADULT!

It's About Boundaries....

I find it interesting how God brings circumstances and opportunities to us that very clearly are there to grow us as people, to take us from where we are and push us to new levels and places. I've been intending for quite some time to re-read the book "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend. I purchased a copy of it (can't seem to find my original one) and have had it sitting next to my bed on my bedside table for the last 2 or 3 weeks...unopened. Until this weekend. Circumstances in one area of my life have prompted me to open it up and begin to read it...and a chapter & a half into the book and I am already seeing how the concepts and ideas and truths in this book are going to affect my life in many areas. And I am excited to see how my life is going to change in positive ways...even though I know some of those changes are going to require dealing with challenges and tough moments. But I say, BRING THEM ON! :)

I am the first to admit that at times I have a hard time remembering that I am not responsible for the happiness and well-being of everyone around me. And while that may seem like an obvious statement, and in some areas it is very easy for me to live accordingly, at times I find my heart leading me to places where I really don't need to be, nor should I be. Oh I can care about others, yes. But that is different. I have heard the phrase "Carry your own backpack" talking about personal boundaries. While I sort of grasped the idea, it wasn't until last night, in context, that I really understood the idea...

Galatians 6:2 -5 says:

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load."

I've read this time and again...but reading it now with the help of the "Boundaries" book, I get what is being said here:

"Help each other when things are more than a person can bear. When life throws a curveball or two at someone else, be prepared to step up and help out, even if at personal cost to you. We all go through times when life's burdens really are too heavy for us to carry on our own. But don't forget about your stuff...your attitudes, feelings, behaviours, and daily responsibilities...these are ours to carry and deal with. We are violating the boundaries of someone else when we expect them to carry our loads."

I couldn't have read about this idea at a better time as I have been struggling with the idea of being responsible for the feelings/actions/attitudes of others around me. I was feeling guilty for not doing more but yet I couldn't do more without neglecting my own responsibilities. My inability to do more has led to resentment on the part of other people towards me and I have a hard time with that. But there is nothing I can do about it. I've felt great freedom today as I begin to really grasp this idea. Yes I still feel bad that others are not happy about the situation however their reactions and subsequent actions are not my responsibility. It is theirs. wow is that freeing!! I am already feeling my load becoming less burdensome!

And so with that in mind, I am heading to bed! G'night all!

Thoughts on a Rainy Evening...

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong;

for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.

For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.

But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.

- Psalm 37:1-11 (NIV)

Rain on the street...outside my apartment.

As I sit here and ponder on this passage that Larry Boss used as part of his sermon yesterday, I am listening to the rain falling outside...there is something so peaceful about it. I feel like I am in my own little world at times like these. And it is the perfect background for my thoughts.

Once again, as happens often when I sit in the service at church, I started out listening to the sermon and was quickly distracted by my own thoughts on the passage being used. Seems God often takes parts of the sermon and lots of His Word and preaches a totally different sermon just for me, in my heart. I have been pondering on it all day today and decided that, with the backdrop of the rain, it was worth writing about. Here are some of those thoughts, and convictions...

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong...

...Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.

I have been doing just that lately...fretting. About a number of different things. I've been fretting about finances, about what certain people might be telling others about me (lies), about a number of things....and the fretting has led to frustration which in turn has turned to anger at times. And anger has caused me to say things I probably shouldn't have...to make assumptions that are probably not true. I have to say I was rather convicted by this fact.

Which brings me to the next part...

Trust in the Lord and do good...

...delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...

...Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him...

...Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

Trusting...something I have always struggled with...along with being still, waiting patiently....Pastor Larry used imagery in his sermon yesterday when referring to the phrase "Commit your way". He said that it meant take those things that you carry, take them and place them literally in the lap of the Lord. I pictured a scene from my childhood, when I'd be visiting my grandparents. My papa has always had "his" chair...a large lazy-boy style recliner. He could always be found there. And countless times I would climb up onto that chair, onto his lap, and talk to him about anything and everything. While I know that is very familiar imagery in terms of God, I get the same sense when I think about the idea of committing things to God and waiting on him...delighting myself in Him. There is safety in that, freedom. And so I sat down last night, thought about those things that weigh heaviest on my heart, wrote them down and then "climbed up into my Father's lap" and placed those thoughts and things in His lap. They are his to take care of...and while His timing may not be my timing, His is the RIGHT timing and all I just have to trust that in HIS perfect timing, the desires of my heart will be realized.