The latest episode involves myself and a man I have counted my friend for a while now, a man who I foolishly trusted with my a great part of my heart. I hesitate to say all of my heart because I think a part of me knew I better hold back some of it. And turns out I was right to do that. The pattern was there and I just refused to acknowledge it...the chance to be together but rejected until it's not possible (generally because I started dating someone else) and then the talk, the pressure would be on until it was possible again. The old "Don't want what you have until you can't have it" scenario. AND I FELL FOR IT! For a little while i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...that the being together couldn't be true, could it?? And sure enough on Friday night at 10:30 or so it dropped. For the final time.
In the past I have been a very understanding and accomodating person with all this. A putz, if the truth be told. "You don't know what you want? That's okay...I can wait." "You just want to be friends? Well that's not totally what I want but okay...it's better than nothing." I was hurt, disrespected, mistreated and yet not once in all that time did I get really angry. If it was one of my girlfriends doing that I'd be kicking her ass. WELL NO MORE!! Those days are over.
When the shoe dropped it was accompanied with the phrase "I really want us to be friends and I think we can be." To which I replied my stock phrase "Well I would like to be friends so yes, I think we can be too". By the time I returned home last night things were changing. I had agreed to accompany him to a party at a friend's place out of town tonight but already knew, in the 7 minutes it took for me to drive home, that I wasn't going to do that. And this morning when I woke up, I knew what I really wanted. And for the first time, friendship, relationship of any kind, with this person was at the bottom of the list. And I was feeling ANGRY.
I still feel angry. As per usual, after making such a decision, he pulled out the "poor me...I'm so sad" card and this time I was having none of it. My response was different than before. This time it was "Too bad. You made a choice. Deal with it. I don't want to hear about it." And I truly don't. He is choosing to live his life and not include me in it the way he said he wanted me in it. Fine. Don't expect me to be all sympathetic and crap.
At this point I am ready to "wash that man right out of my hair". For the first time in a long time I think about not having him in my life and I don't feel the least bit sad about that. I know that's partly because I am angry but damn it! I have every right to be angry. One person's selfishness has caused me to be hurt. And not just me. 5 kids are involved in this as well. And if he thinks for one second that they won't be affected, he's wrong. He's going to have to live with that.
I'm still not quite sure what lesson I am learning from all this...in time I am sure I'll figure that out. But what I do know is this: No more lessons learned this way. I say that but I have no idea how that is going to be accomplished. Maybe by not having anything to do with them in any way other than friendship. Hmmm...that has me thinking...
I talked the other day about the movie "Julie & Julia" and how she, Julie, embarked on a one year journey of cooking through Julia Child's cookbook. I said something about maybe my life needs a challenge of sorts in it. I wonder, can I go 6 months without dating at all? Hmmm...I know there would be some days in which it's easy to hold to. And other times not so much. But maybe that's the point. Maybe, just maybe, it's in that time that i will learn the greatest lessons....
Yes, I am going to do it. YIKES! Six months. That's September 6 (cuz it's already Sunday!) to March 5, 2010. That will be 180 days. No dates. No relationships other than friendships. Even if I meet someone I really want to date, no dice. If they are interested in me and worth dating, they'll wait and get to know me as a friend first. But first...I need to go and unfriend someone on Facebook. Some would say that is drastic but I need to do it....part of starting fresh.
New day. New lessons. New challenges. New me. (Dang this is going to be hard, I think!)
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