There was a time when, if asked how many kids I wanted, I'd have answered with "At least 4 or 5". Then I had two. And my answer changed slightly...to something like "maybe one more if Bill were to not be in the picture any more for some reason and I got remarried". And then the day arrived when he wasn't part of my life anymore (except as the kids' dad) and almost immediately I was struck with an overwhelming desire for more babies.
BABIES!!! I wanted more...as many as I could get! Or so I thought. I pictured a big family home with my two kids and the new man and me...pregnant with a couple little ones crowding close. Laughter and joy filled the picture. There was a menagerie of animals (dogs, cats, rabbits...etc). You know the picture I mean...the one we all dream of as little girls, albeit slightly altered (divorce and remarriage was never in the original plan)...complete with the picket fence. But what I didn't realize, at the time, was that I was equating happiness with this picture. If that picture equaled happiness then obviously I wasn't happy until I found that. But I was changing...slowly.
As the months went by and I searched in vain for someone to give me this happiness, I was learning about myself. I found my own place, bought my own car, redesigned my wardrobe (found my style), met new people, read some great books, discovered new interests...in essence I was healing and growing. Slowly. And through all this I was watching my kids learn and grow and mature...and I started to question the desire I had to have more children.
During the course of the last couple years friends of mine, new & "old" were walking the road of baby-dom. I started to notice something rather interesting about myself as I interacted with them and heard their stories and spent time with their children. I found myself so thankful that I didn't ever have to go through certain things again - losing my waist as my belly grew, LABOUR & delivery!, sleepless nights, sore nipples, constant demands on my body and my attention (babies are hard work!), diapers - even the wet ones!, potty training, terrible two's and three's, drool, nasty laundry....you name it. And yet the desire to love another child was still strong...
Over the last few months I have come to realize something rather significant (for me). As I have developed relationships with people who have young children, I have been developing a relationship with those kids...and my desire to have another is no longer. And this is a good thing. I have the time and energy to give to others, alongside my children, in the way an aunt would. My children, through these relationships, are able to experience life with cousins, even if they are just cousins of the heart. In turn they also have the opportunity to develop relationships with the adults and have an "aunt" or "uncle" type connection they don't get to experience all the time. I am able to care for and enjoy the children and when the time is done, they go home! AND THIS IS THE IDEAL SITUATION!! :D
The greater part of this reality I am now living with is that my heart is full and I am happy (for the most part) with who I am and where I am at JUST AS I AM. No longer is the idea of being happy tied together with the vision that it once was. And yes, maybe someday some version of that vision will come into being, but I have stopped looking. I am enjoying the people in my life, the relationships I am developing with friends and loved ones (not necessarily separate groups!!), and curious to see who I will encounter tomorrow. Yes, I am still very open to the idea of and ready for someone special however life as it is now is just what it should be!
And so, despite the fact that once upon a time I wanted as many kids as I could have, I am very happy with and proud of the two I have. I am thrilled to spend time with the special ones God is bringing into my life, like Molly (pictured above) and her brother. I am lucky to be able to satisfy that baby-snuggle desire I get at times (yes the heart does tug on occasion!) and to be able to go home at night and sleep! I have truly found my happy place...right where I am today.
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