MOVING!!!!

After a few months of blogging, someone suggested to me that I try wordpress.com so that's what I am going to do.  This will still be here as my older blog posts are all here...however for future posts please go to:

A GIRL NAMED JOCELYN BLOG

My life....

...it's sometimes a little crazy!  The last couple of weeks, since I was sick, have been GO GO GO!  Things never really seem to slow down.  I've been meaning to update things here for the last couple of weeks...but just haven't had time.  So here's a quick update on some stuff:

1.  Dating - I said a few weeks ago that I was done with dating for the next 6 months.  Initially it was a reaction to things going on in my life...and so it was a blanket statement.  And in many ways it still is.  However, in the course of the last few weeks since making that decision I have made some modifications.  See before I made that decision I was struggling with being okay with being alone, with not having someone in my life beyond my kids.  And so I figured that the only way to get okay with that was to immerse myself in it.  But then I got to thinking - I talk alot about balance, about keeping things in proper perspective and this all-or-nothing stance I was taking wasn't necessarily balanced.  So what I decided was this.  I won't be initiating anything with anyone.  But if someone else did, that would be different.  And so that's where I stand on that! :) 

2.  Being alone - being alone has always been hard for me.  Quiet, or too much of it, was always unsettling.  In the last few weeks I have been embracing being alone...learning to enjoy those quiet moments like I never have before.  Not always having the TV on for background noise.  Or even music for that matter.  For the first time in years I sit in my office sometimes for hours at a time with nothing but the sound of my fingers on the keyboard...and it's becoming more comfortable.  Don't get me wrong, my prefered work environment still consists of music and human interaction in small doses, but I am finally able to accomplish just as much during a day without any of that as I am with it.  I know for some people that is mind-boggling - they require quiet and no interruptions to be at their peak in terms of performance.  I have been the opposite in days gone by.  However, it's becoming an area in which FINALLY I am far more balanced than I used to be! :)  I'd go so far as to say that I have almost achieved a really great mix of the two.  Both at home and at the office.  It feels good.

3.  Taking risks/leaving comfort zones - I am a cautious risk taker.  I never used to go to new places or events unless I was accompanied by a friend, or at the very least knew one or two other people.  I've started to do more of that...stepping out and going where I wouldn't have before.  I'm also considering doing things I would never have before.  I'm taking chances, stepping out.  Learning to live once again.  The shackles of fear that used to be on me have loosened and while I am not going to go crazy and take all kinds of unnecssary risks, I am not going to allow fear to stop me from experiencing good things anymore.  From developing new friendships, learning new sports or activities, giving of myself.  And ya know, I've always been somewhat confident but I'm growing in that by leaps and bounds these days...and I love it! :)

Okay...that's enough of an update.  There is more I could talk about - how I have been working on writing down the fundamental things I want in my life, the things I want to experience.  How in defining those things that I want, I am also defining who I am and what my purpose is.  I could write about the challenges i have been facing lately in terms of parenting and the changes I am seeing in myself and my kids.  I could write about anger and forgiveness and grace.  But it's late.  I'm tired.  And I need something to talk about tomorrow!

I'b god a cobe (Translation: I am sick)

I'll admit it.  I am THE WORST sick person.  I say that for a few reasons.  1.  I tend to be rather stubborn and refuse to give in to the reality that my body is getting sick in the first place, and therefore I keep on pushing even though I should stop and rest.  2.  I feel guilty when I have to stop and rest...and really can't quite do it.  For example, I am at home writing this, too sick to really be at work, and yet I am still working - the wonders of virtual offices!  3.  I whine.  Yes, it's true.  I am a horrid sick person because I whine.  And all I want is for someone to please take care of me and everything around me.  Primarily me.  I want my back rubbed, my head rubbed, my feet rubbed, tea, toast, movies, conversation, cuddles....oh and can you please deal with all the kid and house related stuff that still needs to happen because I just want to lay here and whine.  Yes, I am a horrid sick person. 

And then there is the Sick Person fashions/appearances!  haha!  Normally I am pretty particular about the state in which I appear to the public.  But as soon as I start to feel not so great...that goes out the window!  I could care less about hair, makeup and even, at times, teeth brushing (I know...EW!!!).  I don't care if what I put on coordinates or even looks remotely decent.  I just care about comfort and warmth.  It's not like my cats or my kids really care and any human being who dares to venture through my door when I am sick already loves me just as I am not matter what...whether I have showered or not! 

That's the thing about being sick, I've found...you sometimes find out who your true loved ones are...the ones who will be there no matter how skanky you may get...in attitude or appearance.  And granted that's not necessarily a true test of a friendship, it does tell a lot about a person when they are willing to expose themselves to germs and stuff without a lot of thought to their own selves.  And I'm not saying to stay away is necessarily bad...I totally understand not wanting to expose one's self to the flu or whatever the illness may be (in my case, it's the flu!).  However, I can't help wonder what Jesus' attitude towards it would be.  He called us to care for the sick, the injured, the widows and orphans...but was it a conditional command?  A "when it doesn't inconvenience you or put you in harm's way or compromise your own health" care for them?  Or was it a "no matter what you must care for these people" kind of command?  I fail miserably if it's the latter...and yet I suspect that's exactly what it was. 

A friend asked me a few questions last night about Jesus and the miracles and with some of those thoughts in my head and being sick, I got to wondering today how Jesus felt at times when people asked him to do miracles.  Did he feel inconvenienced?  By stopping and healing the blind man, was he late for an appointment?  When he fed all those thousands, was he not just a little put out that all these people didn't bother to plan ahead and thus put him on the spot like that?  Or did those thoughts just never occur to him?  He encountered and exposed himself to diseases of every type while here on earth...was he ever concerned for his own health?  He was human, after all, and one could speculate that he therefore could have gotten sick just like the rest of us.  The Bible doesn't say if he ever did or not...I'm guessing he probably didn't but who knows?  The Bible tells us a lot about Jesus...and despite the inconvenience, the potential health risks, the social stigmas and politics, Jesus never hesitated to help the sick, the injured, the widows or the orphans. 

Sitting here as a sick person today it sure makes me think about my own life and what my reactions are to situations where I can help someone but it is going to cost me something to do so.  It's easy to help friends/loved ones but am I willing to help those I don't know?  I don't know.  But it's something I am going to have to think about for a while.  Reminds me of a song I really like....

HANDS & FEET - AUDIO ADRENALINE

Let me add...

I am feeling lonely tonight...however I would much rather be here alone with my kids and my cats than with the wrong person.  So while I don't like this feeling, I embrace it and will learn from it.  I hope!  haha!  I am learning to rely more on my God than I have ever relied on Him before.  It's scary and yes it's somewhat lonely at times.  But in the end I know that He will be faithful.  He always is.

It's Friday Night....

...and I gotta admit.  I'm feeling a little lonely these days.  Oh I know I'm not truly alone but sometimes knowing that doesn't make being on my own any easier.  I've got the words/music "I'm Lonely....so lonely" going through my head.  Just that phrase.  It's annoying.  But so is feeling like I am. 

I know my life is a good life and I have so much to be thankful for.  Family, friends, great church community, good job, roof over my head, car to drive.  But yet on a Friday night I am home, alone, with my kids in bed, my cats playing down the hall and no one to talk to.  AND IT SUCKS!  I have a good life but I'd really like to have someone to SHARE that life with.  And yes.  I did say I was going on a 6 month dating hiatus, still am, but I can't help but wonder if feeling this way is what I am in for....for SIX LONG MONTHS or MORE!  But maybe that's the point.  Maybe the whole point of taking 6 months just to be on my own is to learn to depend on GOD rather than anyone else.  Seems somewhat elementary, I guess.  But is it too much to ask for Him to send someone my way to snuggle with on a Friday night while watching a movie, to laugh and cry with, to share special moments with?  Sigh....

Today....

I know that today carries a lot of significance for many of my friends, American and Canadian alike.  8 years ago as we turned on our TV's first thing in the morning we were greeted by a sight no one could ever have imagined possible....the sight of those airplanes hitting the Towers...and just like everyone else, I will never forget where I was and what I was doing that morning when I saw that happen.

However, it is because of where I was and what I was doing that this day holds significance for me.  You see, I was 36 weeks pregnant with my second child and had just been medivac transferred to Grande Prairie, AB the day before (please note:  I was to have been medivac'ed on September 11th but God saw fit to make an empty plane returning from Edmonton available the day before).  It was early in the morning and I was waiting word on the latest ultrasound results...."had my placenta moved enough for me to safely go full-term with this pregnancy?" was the question on my mind.  As I sat in my hospital room, looking out the window on that beautiful sunny day, I wasn't aware that the world as we knew it was about to change in front of our eyes.  No, what I was aware of was a great sense of peace and calm...knowing that regardless of what the doctors were about to tell me it would be okay. 

Thankfully I received the news I was hoping for....my placenta had moved.  Significantly.  Enough that I could probably go home in a couple weeks and I could carry my baby full-term without risking my life or his.  It was with this knowledge in my head and joy in my heart that I made my way down the hall to the TV room...where I watched two airplanes destroy the false sense of security that millions of people had lived with up until that moment.  As I stood there, eyes fixed on the TV, horrified at what I was watching, desperately sad for the families I knew were losing loved ones in those moments, I couldn't help but still feel this incredible peace and joy....while this horror was happening I was experiencing my own miracle...and my son was safe.  For the first time in two months I knew that everything was going to be okay. 

And THAT is what today is for me.  Today marks the anniversary of a miracle.  A yearly reminder that God is in control and is the Master Healer.  You see, I had placenta previa so severely that the doctors all said that it was impossible for the uterus to grow enough, and therefore the placenta to move enough, for me to consider a natural delivery.  In fact, they didn't understand why I had no complications whatsoever prior to that first day when I started to bleed at 7 months pregnant.  Given the position of the placenta, I should have started bleeding out months earlier.  There were a couple times when they were getting ready to do emergency C-Sections in order to get that baby out and the bleeding stopped as fast as possible....each time the bleeding stopped on its' own, something that shouldn't have happened.  God made it possible for me to transfer from Edmonton to Grande Prairie, closer to home, on September 10th and had that not happened, I was to have had a C-section on Thursday, September 13, 2001.  Instead, I went home on October 2nd or so...was able to spend the last two weeks of my pregnancy at home, doing normal "mom" things, savouring those last few days alone with my daughter.  And on October 14, 2001 my son was delivered safely and without drugs or interventions of any kind. 

I remember those who were injured or killed today.  The families who were left behind to deal with the tragedy of the day's events.  But in my heart I am thanking God for miracles and remembering those today.

Unwritten Pages

Well, I'll admit it.  My ability to NOT contact anyone has been shown to not exist.  Or is it my self-control?  Sigh.  I'd like to say that I was forced to make contact but alas that would not be true.  Tomorrow I resolve to do better.

Today was the first official all-day first day of school.  Emily came home with her agenda - very excited about the new SUPER COOL format that the older grades get to use.  Today reminded me of whenever I have headed back to school and all the things I loved about it....the smell of new binders, the sound of pencil crayons as they are being sharpened, the feeling of hope and renewed purpose I'd always feel - "THIS year I will be organized and stay on top of things" was always my motto.  There was just something about knowing that the coming months were totally unwritten and I had the power to write on the pages of them anything I wanted.  Of course when I was the ages my kids are now, I thought far simpler thoughts.  Things more along the lines of "I hope I have the coolest pencil case" or "I wonder if anyone else got the set of 64 Crayola Crayons with the built-in sharpener?"  I was always really anal about things too...I'd show up to school with all my pencil crayons and crayons in rainbow order....meticulously laid out and organized!  Who am I kidding?  I still would do that....if I had pencil crayons or crayons!!!

Going back to the idea of the new pages upon which to write things....I love this idea.  It's really quite powerful when you think about it.  Each day, when I get up, I have a new opportunity to change my world, to alter the course of my life, to affect change in the lives around me.  No matter what happened yesterday, TODAY is totally unwritten and I am not required to repeat any of the mistakes I made yesterday.  I can start over fresh and new every morning.  In some ways this could be quite intimidating though...an endless parade of days marching before me totally void of anything written on their pages until I arrive there.  The enormity of that task could be quite overwhelming.  But thankfully it doesn't have to be.  I don't have to worry about the details of those days to come....God already knows each and every day ordained for me and what those days will hold for me. 

Right now I am at a point where I have no idea what is going to happen with my life or where things are going.  I don't feel like I am a totally blank slate however there are certain areas of my life that I really cannot even begin to formulate a picture of what might be...let alone what WILL be.  Two major areas come to mind as I type this....the first one being my finances - I am working on these but I really don't know how God is going to provide all the needs of my family.  The other area is, of course, my love life!  It's odd really...but I have had to stand with hands opened and an attitude of "Here is my heart, my hopes, my dreams, Lord.  I am giving them to you.  I trust you to grant me the desires of my heart....in the way, shape and form you deem best."  Certainly isn't easy...I know I am going to have to do this over and over.  And while I can express what my picture of how that all looks, I have to be willing to accept that my picture and God's picture may not be exactly the same.  And that is okay...I think....

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:16

 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you 

the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11