I'b god a cobe (Translation: I am sick)

I'll admit it.  I am THE WORST sick person.  I say that for a few reasons.  1.  I tend to be rather stubborn and refuse to give in to the reality that my body is getting sick in the first place, and therefore I keep on pushing even though I should stop and rest.  2.  I feel guilty when I have to stop and rest...and really can't quite do it.  For example, I am at home writing this, too sick to really be at work, and yet I am still working - the wonders of virtual offices!  3.  I whine.  Yes, it's true.  I am a horrid sick person because I whine.  And all I want is for someone to please take care of me and everything around me.  Primarily me.  I want my back rubbed, my head rubbed, my feet rubbed, tea, toast, movies, conversation, cuddles....oh and can you please deal with all the kid and house related stuff that still needs to happen because I just want to lay here and whine.  Yes, I am a horrid sick person. 

And then there is the Sick Person fashions/appearances!  haha!  Normally I am pretty particular about the state in which I appear to the public.  But as soon as I start to feel not so great...that goes out the window!  I could care less about hair, makeup and even, at times, teeth brushing (I know...EW!!!).  I don't care if what I put on coordinates or even looks remotely decent.  I just care about comfort and warmth.  It's not like my cats or my kids really care and any human being who dares to venture through my door when I am sick already loves me just as I am not matter what...whether I have showered or not! 

That's the thing about being sick, I've found...you sometimes find out who your true loved ones are...the ones who will be there no matter how skanky you may get...in attitude or appearance.  And granted that's not necessarily a true test of a friendship, it does tell a lot about a person when they are willing to expose themselves to germs and stuff without a lot of thought to their own selves.  And I'm not saying to stay away is necessarily bad...I totally understand not wanting to expose one's self to the flu or whatever the illness may be (in my case, it's the flu!).  However, I can't help wonder what Jesus' attitude towards it would be.  He called us to care for the sick, the injured, the widows and orphans...but was it a conditional command?  A "when it doesn't inconvenience you or put you in harm's way or compromise your own health" care for them?  Or was it a "no matter what you must care for these people" kind of command?  I fail miserably if it's the latter...and yet I suspect that's exactly what it was. 

A friend asked me a few questions last night about Jesus and the miracles and with some of those thoughts in my head and being sick, I got to wondering today how Jesus felt at times when people asked him to do miracles.  Did he feel inconvenienced?  By stopping and healing the blind man, was he late for an appointment?  When he fed all those thousands, was he not just a little put out that all these people didn't bother to plan ahead and thus put him on the spot like that?  Or did those thoughts just never occur to him?  He encountered and exposed himself to diseases of every type while here on earth...was he ever concerned for his own health?  He was human, after all, and one could speculate that he therefore could have gotten sick just like the rest of us.  The Bible doesn't say if he ever did or not...I'm guessing he probably didn't but who knows?  The Bible tells us a lot about Jesus...and despite the inconvenience, the potential health risks, the social stigmas and politics, Jesus never hesitated to help the sick, the injured, the widows or the orphans. 

Sitting here as a sick person today it sure makes me think about my own life and what my reactions are to situations where I can help someone but it is going to cost me something to do so.  It's easy to help friends/loved ones but am I willing to help those I don't know?  I don't know.  But it's something I am going to have to think about for a while.  Reminds me of a song I really like....

HANDS & FEET - AUDIO ADRENALINE

Let me add...

I am feeling lonely tonight...however I would much rather be here alone with my kids and my cats than with the wrong person.  So while I don't like this feeling, I embrace it and will learn from it.  I hope!  haha!  I am learning to rely more on my God than I have ever relied on Him before.  It's scary and yes it's somewhat lonely at times.  But in the end I know that He will be faithful.  He always is.

It's Friday Night....

...and I gotta admit.  I'm feeling a little lonely these days.  Oh I know I'm not truly alone but sometimes knowing that doesn't make being on my own any easier.  I've got the words/music "I'm Lonely....so lonely" going through my head.  Just that phrase.  It's annoying.  But so is feeling like I am. 

I know my life is a good life and I have so much to be thankful for.  Family, friends, great church community, good job, roof over my head, car to drive.  But yet on a Friday night I am home, alone, with my kids in bed, my cats playing down the hall and no one to talk to.  AND IT SUCKS!  I have a good life but I'd really like to have someone to SHARE that life with.  And yes.  I did say I was going on a 6 month dating hiatus, still am, but I can't help but wonder if feeling this way is what I am in for....for SIX LONG MONTHS or MORE!  But maybe that's the point.  Maybe the whole point of taking 6 months just to be on my own is to learn to depend on GOD rather than anyone else.  Seems somewhat elementary, I guess.  But is it too much to ask for Him to send someone my way to snuggle with on a Friday night while watching a movie, to laugh and cry with, to share special moments with?  Sigh....

Today....

I know that today carries a lot of significance for many of my friends, American and Canadian alike.  8 years ago as we turned on our TV's first thing in the morning we were greeted by a sight no one could ever have imagined possible....the sight of those airplanes hitting the Towers...and just like everyone else, I will never forget where I was and what I was doing that morning when I saw that happen.

However, it is because of where I was and what I was doing that this day holds significance for me.  You see, I was 36 weeks pregnant with my second child and had just been medivac transferred to Grande Prairie, AB the day before (please note:  I was to have been medivac'ed on September 11th but God saw fit to make an empty plane returning from Edmonton available the day before).  It was early in the morning and I was waiting word on the latest ultrasound results...."had my placenta moved enough for me to safely go full-term with this pregnancy?" was the question on my mind.  As I sat in my hospital room, looking out the window on that beautiful sunny day, I wasn't aware that the world as we knew it was about to change in front of our eyes.  No, what I was aware of was a great sense of peace and calm...knowing that regardless of what the doctors were about to tell me it would be okay. 

Thankfully I received the news I was hoping for....my placenta had moved.  Significantly.  Enough that I could probably go home in a couple weeks and I could carry my baby full-term without risking my life or his.  It was with this knowledge in my head and joy in my heart that I made my way down the hall to the TV room...where I watched two airplanes destroy the false sense of security that millions of people had lived with up until that moment.  As I stood there, eyes fixed on the TV, horrified at what I was watching, desperately sad for the families I knew were losing loved ones in those moments, I couldn't help but still feel this incredible peace and joy....while this horror was happening I was experiencing my own miracle...and my son was safe.  For the first time in two months I knew that everything was going to be okay. 

And THAT is what today is for me.  Today marks the anniversary of a miracle.  A yearly reminder that God is in control and is the Master Healer.  You see, I had placenta previa so severely that the doctors all said that it was impossible for the uterus to grow enough, and therefore the placenta to move enough, for me to consider a natural delivery.  In fact, they didn't understand why I had no complications whatsoever prior to that first day when I started to bleed at 7 months pregnant.  Given the position of the placenta, I should have started bleeding out months earlier.  There were a couple times when they were getting ready to do emergency C-Sections in order to get that baby out and the bleeding stopped as fast as possible....each time the bleeding stopped on its' own, something that shouldn't have happened.  God made it possible for me to transfer from Edmonton to Grande Prairie, closer to home, on September 10th and had that not happened, I was to have had a C-section on Thursday, September 13, 2001.  Instead, I went home on October 2nd or so...was able to spend the last two weeks of my pregnancy at home, doing normal "mom" things, savouring those last few days alone with my daughter.  And on October 14, 2001 my son was delivered safely and without drugs or interventions of any kind. 

I remember those who were injured or killed today.  The families who were left behind to deal with the tragedy of the day's events.  But in my heart I am thanking God for miracles and remembering those today.

Unwritten Pages

Well, I'll admit it.  My ability to NOT contact anyone has been shown to not exist.  Or is it my self-control?  Sigh.  I'd like to say that I was forced to make contact but alas that would not be true.  Tomorrow I resolve to do better.

Today was the first official all-day first day of school.  Emily came home with her agenda - very excited about the new SUPER COOL format that the older grades get to use.  Today reminded me of whenever I have headed back to school and all the things I loved about it....the smell of new binders, the sound of pencil crayons as they are being sharpened, the feeling of hope and renewed purpose I'd always feel - "THIS year I will be organized and stay on top of things" was always my motto.  There was just something about knowing that the coming months were totally unwritten and I had the power to write on the pages of them anything I wanted.  Of course when I was the ages my kids are now, I thought far simpler thoughts.  Things more along the lines of "I hope I have the coolest pencil case" or "I wonder if anyone else got the set of 64 Crayola Crayons with the built-in sharpener?"  I was always really anal about things too...I'd show up to school with all my pencil crayons and crayons in rainbow order....meticulously laid out and organized!  Who am I kidding?  I still would do that....if I had pencil crayons or crayons!!!

Going back to the idea of the new pages upon which to write things....I love this idea.  It's really quite powerful when you think about it.  Each day, when I get up, I have a new opportunity to change my world, to alter the course of my life, to affect change in the lives around me.  No matter what happened yesterday, TODAY is totally unwritten and I am not required to repeat any of the mistakes I made yesterday.  I can start over fresh and new every morning.  In some ways this could be quite intimidating though...an endless parade of days marching before me totally void of anything written on their pages until I arrive there.  The enormity of that task could be quite overwhelming.  But thankfully it doesn't have to be.  I don't have to worry about the details of those days to come....God already knows each and every day ordained for me and what those days will hold for me. 

Right now I am at a point where I have no idea what is going to happen with my life or where things are going.  I don't feel like I am a totally blank slate however there are certain areas of my life that I really cannot even begin to formulate a picture of what might be...let alone what WILL be.  Two major areas come to mind as I type this....the first one being my finances - I am working on these but I really don't know how God is going to provide all the needs of my family.  The other area is, of course, my love life!  It's odd really...but I have had to stand with hands opened and an attitude of "Here is my heart, my hopes, my dreams, Lord.  I am giving them to you.  I trust you to grant me the desires of my heart....in the way, shape and form you deem best."  Certainly isn't easy...I know I am going to have to do this over and over.  And while I can express what my picture of how that all looks, I have to be willing to accept that my picture and God's picture may not be exactly the same.  And that is okay...I think....

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:16

 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you 

the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Today....

I woke up this morning and did what I do every morning....reached for my cell phone to text a "Good morning" greeting only I couldn't because I am taking a month off from all that.  I have to admit that today I am feeling the pain of the reality of things more than on the weekend.  My heart is sad.  And I know that I need to trust all this to God but it's in the moments of pain that sometimes it is really hard.  But I know He knows my needs, my desires, my hurts and my joys.  He is in control and has nothing but good in mind for me.  I just need to keep on holding onto Him and trusting Him in the every day moments of my day...especially those moments when I am missing another terribly....He does work all things together for good even if I can't see the final big picture in this moment, He knows what it's going to look like in the end.

"Your Grace...still amazes me..."

Photo courtesy of John E. McCauley; Taken by Brett Burrow

Your Grace Still Amazes Me  (Click link to listen)

This song says it all...as I sit here tonight and think on the last few years, and more recently, months, I am astounded by the grace the Father has shown me.  Time and again I have failed Him...and yet He is always there for me.  He never leaves me.  No matter what I do or how far I stray, He is always there...

What truly amazes me is how little I deserve His love and forgiveness and tender mercies.  And yet each and every day He is making them available to me.  Each day he renews me.  Waits for me to come to Him and once again lay my life in His hands.  Every day.  And every day He astounds me with His grace.

The last few days have been anything but easy and at times I have felt like nothing good would come out of the situation.  How could it?  But yesterday I felt peace about things for the first time and today even more so.  I have no idea where God is taking me or what He's going to do with this heart of mine...but I know His grace is beyond sufficient...and He will heal my soul and renew my heart.

This is my prayer, too, for others...that they may realize that despite the fact that we are undeserving of it, God is standing waiting with hands open ready to give us the gift of His grace.  It truly is deeper, wider, stronger and higher than anything our eyes can see....and yet it's right here...always.  Available to us.  Wow.  THAT amazes me....

1 Day down....179 Days to go....

...in my 6 months No Dating time.  I know it's early in but I had a tough time last night.  But I know that was in part due to the fact that I had just told someone that I wouldn't be in contact with them for a month...while I decided what I wanted in terms of friendship.  It's hard when circumstances and events lead you to the point with someone where you aren't even sure you want that anymore.  Especially for me as I am one who doesn't totally expose themselves to just anyone...I have a small handful of people that I have done that with and he's one of them.  So to think about not having that friendship....well, it's a big deal.  However, I really need to consider a lot of things....and make sure I don't put myself into a position where I get hurt like I have.

I had a dream last night, or rather this morning while I slept in, that involved my current situation as well as a girlfriend of mine...her story, in my dream, made my situation look like nothing!!  We were with another friend of mine and her man...driving somewhere and he was testing me in my "No dating for 6 months" thing...kept showing me pictures of his friends - HOT friends! haha - and telling me that he could set up a date with any one of them for me if I was interested and I WAS STICKING TO MY GUNS! :)  I always like it when my dreams back up my awake decisions!  haha  It was certainly interesting!

Today I am going to start reading "Boundaries"...I've started it before but haven't really gotten much past the first chapter for whatever reason...usually because I get busy and haven't had time for a lot of reading.  But this time it's different...and I intend to finish it this week.  I'll post my observations and thoughts as I go...I have a feeling there are going to be a few "AHA!" moments in the next few days!

Addendum to my earlier post....

I've been doing a lot of thinking today about what I would say to the one who has hurt me if I had the opportunity to say something face to face.  I know I could have listed all kinds of things that had hurt me.  And while I can think of one or two, I really am feeling hard pressed to think of all the little things.  That is how I am...I get angry but it doesn't take long before I am passed that moment and I, as always, am left trying hard to remember details.  However, that doesn't diminish the fact that I have still been hurt.  What worries me though is that, despite my declaration that I need space and time away from it all, I could easily forget that and end up back where I was before.  And so while I may not feel the anger any longer, I still need to remember what had me feeling that way in the first place and I also need to make sure I take the time I need to ensure my heart is healed.  Which leads me to my decision to take six months without dating.  I need to concentrate on continuing to grow and learn about who I am and what makes me tick.  I need to take the time to grow in my faith and give God time to show me what He wants for me.  And one of the things I am going to start learning is about boundaries and how to set them and stick to them!  Yes, I'm getting there...have come a long way from where I used to be but I still have a long way to go.....

Thoughts and Decisions...

Not really sure what all I am feeling today but I have come to a few conclusions and decisions about some things. And thought I'd share those with you.

Anger - it's not a bad thing to feel when someone has hurt you.  It can be useful in helping you make decisions and choices that need to be made.  I don't need to feel bad for holding someone accountable for their actions towards me that cause me to feel hurt and anger.  In fact it's healthy for me to allow myself to feel that hurt and anger and, when appropriate, express how I am feeling and what I am thinking as a result.  I say all this because my usual MO is to feel it, stuff it down or not let myself feel it, tell the person that it's okay and not to worry about it, and leave it all.  But then that opens the door to allow them to do it again...because I feel bad if I make them feel bad...and so I just let it be.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  Starting today I am expressing it when it needs to be.  Letting it be known that it is not okay to hurt me or indirectly my children.  It is not okay to treat me badly.  It is okay to make choices and decisions but every choice and decision we make has consequences.  Starting today I am going to put boundaries in place when these things happen.  I have to say allowing myself to feel and do in this way feels really good.  I am not responsible for the way others feel...I am responsible for how I allow them to treat me.

Kids - I know that not everyone understands or subscribes to the idea that children are a gift from God.  But I believe that.  But my actions through the last nine years don't back that up.  I have never stood before my church and dedicated my children, and my family, to God.  And after listening to the Kastens this morning I realized that I really need to.  And so I am going to.  Having made the decision I am realizing how big a deal it really is.  And I wish I had gone with my heart back when the kids were younger.  I always wanted to do it but their dad wasn't a big fan of the idea.  I followed his lead in that but never agreed.  I am going to follow it on September 19th.  And I can't wait!

Well there was a little more that I had thought about today but for now I am tired and going to go and take my Sunday afternoon nap.  More to come later.

Matters of the Heart...

I must confess that many of my life lessons have come from moments of heartache caused by failed relationships with men.  For some reason I find myself ashamed to admit that...maybe that's because there have been a few of those or maybe it's because I've always thought of myself as a strong woman and yet so weak or blind when it comes to men.  Whatever the reason, I'm not proud of this fact.

The latest episode involves myself and a man I have counted my friend for a while now, a man who I foolishly trusted with my a great part of my heart.  I hesitate to say all of my heart because I think a part of me knew I better hold back some of it.  And turns out I was right to do that.  The pattern was there and I just refused to acknowledge it...the chance to be together but rejected until it's not possible (generally because I started dating someone else) and then the talk, the pressure would be on until it was possible again.  The old "Don't want what you have until you can't have it" scenario.  AND I FELL FOR IT!  For a little while i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...that the being together couldn't be true, could it??  And sure enough on Friday night at 10:30 or so it dropped.  For the final time.

In the past I have been a very understanding and accomodating person with all this.  A putz, if the truth be told.  "You don't know what you want?  That's okay...I can wait."  "You just want to be friends?  Well that's not totally what I want but okay...it's better than nothing." I was hurt, disrespected, mistreated and yet not once in all that time did I get really angry.  If it was one of my girlfriends doing that I'd be kicking her ass.  WELL NO MORE!!  Those days are over.

When the shoe dropped it was accompanied with the phrase "I really want us to be friends and I think we can be." To which I replied my stock phrase "Well I would like to be friends so yes, I think we can be too".  By the time I returned home last night things were changing.  I had agreed to accompany him to a party at a friend's place out of town tonight but already knew, in the 7 minutes it took for me to drive home, that I wasn't going to do that.  And this morning when I woke up, I knew what I really wanted.  And for the first time, friendship, relationship of any kind, with this person was at the bottom of the list.  And I was feeling ANGRY.

I still feel angry.  As per usual, after making such a decision, he pulled out the "poor me...I'm so sad" card and this time I was having none of it.  My response was different than before.  This time it was "Too bad.  You made a choice.  Deal with it.  I don't want to hear about it." And I truly don't.  He is choosing to live his life and not include me in it the way he said he wanted me in it.  Fine.  Don't expect me to be all sympathetic and crap.  

At this point I am ready to "wash that man right out of my hair".  For the first time in a long time I think about not having him in my life and I don't feel the least bit sad about that.  I know that's partly because I am angry but damn it!  I have every right to be angry.  One person's selfishness has caused me to be hurt.  And not just me.  5 kids are involved in this as well.  And if he thinks for one second that they won't be affected, he's wrong.  He's going to have to live with that.  

I'm still not quite sure what lesson I am learning from all this...in time I am sure I'll figure that out.  But what I do know is this:  No more lessons learned this way.  I say that but I have no idea how that is going to be accomplished.  Maybe by not having anything to do with them in any way other than friendship.  Hmmm...that has me thinking...

I talked the other day about the movie "Julie & Julia" and how she, Julie, embarked on a one year journey of cooking through Julia Child's cookbook.  I said something about maybe my life needs a challenge of sorts in it.  I wonder, can I go 6 months without dating at all?  Hmmm...I know there would be some days in which it's easy to hold to.  And other times not so much.  But maybe that's the point.  Maybe, just maybe, it's in that time that i will learn the greatest lessons....

Yes, I am going to do it.  YIKES!  Six months.  That's September 6 (cuz it's already Sunday!) to March 5, 2010.  That will be 180 days.  No dates.  No relationships other than friendships.  Even if I meet someone I really want to date, no dice.  If they are interested in me and worth dating, they'll wait and get to know me as a friend first.  But first...I need to go and unfriend someone on Facebook.  Some would say that is drastic but I need to do it....part of starting fresh.

New day.  New lessons.  New challenges.  New me.  (Dang this is going to be hard, I think!)

An Empty Mind...

Not sure if it's the sign of something more serious or if it's a momentary blip however lately my mind has been rather empty of anything profound or interesting. I honestly have nothing to talk about, or so it feels like, with anyone. And I can only think that it's because my life is so steeped in routine, and lacking in variety, to the point that there really is nothing new or interesting to talk about! YIKES!!! I really need to add some spice and interest to my life. But how?

How does one add interest and experience to their lives when finances are a bit of an issue? In an ideal world I'd plan a trip or two, or sign up for a series of classes. And while the classes aren't out of the question, which ones I take are still limited due to the new "debt reduction" plan I am embarking on (more on that in another post!). I'm going to start getting involved with youth at the church as of next weekend (do I really know what I am getting myself into??!!) but will that be enough to create interest? I guess if it's not, I have bigger issues cuz I am thinking that being involved with the youth is going to take up a fair amount of my time and energy! Maybe, rather than being a little worried about my lack of anything to say, I should be thankful for this period of brain rest?

I went and watched "Julie & Julia" last night and it really got me thinking about life. And goals. And I have some...goals, that is, but life has happened and put some of those goals on the back burner. I was hoping to start school here in the fall but instead I lost my job and my reality is that I really need to work for a while. And so now I am finding myself in this strange place where I don't really know where things are going for me or what I am doing. The movie has had me wondering all day what it is that I am passionate about and what is a project that I could assign myself with a deadline? I'm not entirely sure...I am not a cook so I know that cooking is NOT going to be my project! So I am going to have to think on that...ask questions of those who know me well, ponder on things a little bit. Music, reading, writing, papercrafting...all things I enjoy but what can I do that encompass one of those things? I really don't know. Yes...it bears thinking on....