Laughter...really is great medicine!!

I have to confess. I was feeling rather down today and a bit "poor me". I don't succumb to those thoughts and feelings often but today I sure did. The predominant thought was "Will I EVER find someone to share my absolutely fabulous life with???" And was wondering how it is that people who are such total disasters manage to find someone to love them??

I really love my life...and am still getting used to the fact that for the first time in my life I don't have any issues with being alone (whether in terms of being single or spending time with just me). However that doesn't lessen the desire to have someone special in my life. And for some reason that desire was especially acute the last few days. I can't explain why it is more pronounced on some days rather than others. But it is a feeling that was building for a few days....

I drove to Edmonton by myself this last weekend and I realized a few days prior that I had NEVER EVER taken a trip over 3 hours completely by myself! Yes, I've driven the road(s) between Kamloops and Fort McMurray, Kamloops & Peace River, NUMEROUS (translation: countless) times, but never ever completely by myself. I always had at least 1 kid with me. This was a new experience and one that I wasn't sure I'd like. However, I hadn't gotten very far down the road before I was really wishing I had a digital recorder to record my thoughts (it's rather difficult to write when one is driving 130+ kms/hour down the highway!). I had a FABULOUS time!!!! I LOVE ROAD TRIPS BY MYSELF!!!!! It really was a great experience.

As I drove towards Edmonton I received a call from a friend who isn't normally in Edmonton (lives north) but was there for the weekend and I arranged to meet up with her. I love her dearly and was super excited to see her. But when I did, it was awkward, strange. I don't know if I was just tired or what but when I sat in that living room with her, I felt like I was coming face to face with who I used to be...and I hardly recognized that person anymore. It was weird. I knew before that afternoon that I had come a very long way from the place I used to be, mentally, emotionally, but this was the first time that the old me and the new me really faced off. I am not saying my friend was me in the past, she isn't at all. However, I met her and we were especially close during those dark days a couple years before, and the days shortly after, I left Bill. And it was in those moments that I started to feel rather lost in ways. A connection I once had seemed to be no more...and I started to realize that I missed being connected in a special way to someone.

And that is when the feeling mentioned above started. It grew over the last few days until it hit its' climax this afternoon, early evening. I was feeling pretty down tonight for a few reasons - the "will I ever find someone" feeling as well as the fact that Isaac was being horrid. I was having a hard time. But between a friend's facebook status and talking with another friend, I ended up laughing so hard tonight that tears were streaming down my cheeks. I laughed so hard I was having a hard time breating even!! And ya know what? Now I feel GREAT! Tonight laughter really was the medicine I needed!!!

To those of you who made me laugh: THANK YOU!!! And I love you!!

Once Upon A Time....

There was a time when, if asked how many kids I wanted, I'd have answered with "At least 4 or 5". Then I had two. And my answer changed slightly...to something like "maybe one more if Bill were to not be in the picture any more for some reason and I got remarried". And then the day arrived when he wasn't part of my life anymore (except as the kids' dad) and almost immediately I was struck with an overwhelming desire for more babies.

BABIES!!! I wanted more...as many as I could get! Or so I thought. I pictured a big family home with my two kids and the new man and me...pregnant with a couple little ones crowding close. Laughter and joy filled the picture. There was a menagerie of animals (dogs, cats, rabbits...etc). You know the picture I mean...the one we all dream of as little girls, albeit slightly altered (divorce and remarriage was never in the original plan)...complete with the picket fence. But what I didn't realize, at the time, was that I was equating happiness with this picture. If that picture equaled happiness then obviously I wasn't happy until I found that. But I was changing...slowly.

As the months went by and I searched in vain for someone to give me this happiness, I was learning about myself. I found my own place, bought my own car, redesigned my wardrobe (found my style), met new people, read some great books, discovered new interests...in essence I was healing and growing. Slowly. And through all this I was watching my kids learn and grow and mature...and I started to question the desire I had to have more children.

During the course of the last couple years friends of mine, new & "old" were walking the road of baby-dom. I started to notice something rather interesting about myself as I interacted with them and heard their stories and spent time with their children. I found myself so thankful that I didn't ever have to go through certain things again - losing my waist as my belly grew, LABOUR & delivery!, sleepless nights, sore nipples, constant demands on my body and my attention (babies are hard work!), diapers - even the wet ones!, potty training, terrible two's and three's, drool, nasty laundry....you name it. And yet the desire to love another child was still strong...

Over the last few months I have come to realize something rather significant (for me). As I have developed relationships with people who have young children, I have been developing a relationship with those kids...and my desire to have another is no longer. And this is a good thing. I have the time and energy to give to others, alongside my children, in the way an aunt would. My children, through these relationships, are able to experience life with cousins, even if they are just cousins of the heart. In turn they also have the opportunity to develop relationships with the adults and have an "aunt" or "uncle" type connection they don't get to experience all the time. I am able to care for and enjoy the children and when the time is done, they go home! AND THIS IS THE IDEAL SITUATION!! :D

The greater part of this reality I am now living with is that my heart is full and I am happy (for the most part) with who I am and where I am at JUST AS I AM. No longer is the idea of being happy tied together with the vision that it once was. And yes, maybe someday some version of that vision will come into being, but I have stopped looking. I am enjoying the people in my life, the relationships I am developing with friends and loved ones (not necessarily separate groups!!), and curious to see who I will encounter tomorrow. Yes, I am still very open to the idea of and ready for someone special however life as it is now is just what it should be!

And so, despite the fact that once upon a time I wanted as many kids as I could have, I am very happy with and proud of the two I have. I am thrilled to spend time with the special ones God is bringing into my life, like Molly (pictured above) and her brother. I am lucky to be able to satisfy that baby-snuggle desire I get at times (yes the heart does tug on occasion!) and to be able to go home at night and sleep! I have truly found my happy place...right where I am today.

Wow! I'm a Grown-Up!

I was reading the latest edition of "Real Simple" magazine and in it the question was asked "When did you first realize that you had become a grown-up?"

I don't really know when I became a grown-up. Some would say it was when I started to be responsible for paying my own bills, things like rent, food, phone. Others may argue that until one has that first serious relationship, you know, the "we're getting married" or "moving in together" relationship...once you've gotten there you are a grown-up. Others may say it's when you buy your first new car, not "new-to-you" car. Or you bring baby home from the hospital. And I don't disagree. However, I think the realization that I was a grown-up was a slow process, one with various points along the way that opened my eyes to that fact.

Growing up I always knew that one day I would be just that, GROWN UP. We've all been asked the question as children "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and for many years past the time when that question was being asked of me by others, I was asking myself. I couldn't answer it. I thought various things might be interesting, but nothing really gripped me. But how can you know what you want to BE when you grow up if you don't know who you ARE?

I've gotten older, traveled, lived in various places with and without roommates, or family. Met and married someone I thought was "the one", had my children, bought the new car, set up house, bought a house, had my heart broken, learned some tough life lessons, lived through the ending of my marriage, sold the house, moved in with my parents and at 31 felt like anything but a grown-up. In fact, in many ways, I felt like I had "gone backwards" in time and returned to a child-like state. And while I needed to be there for that time, it did start me down the road to truly feeling, and being, grown up.

Thinking on the question "when did you first realize you had become a grown-up?" brings to mind that first moment that the idea of that began to glimmer in my mind. As I drove onto the lot of the Toyota dealership, with my children, to look at what they might have...which led to a test drive...a couple of days later I was sitting in front of the leasing agent, signing papers for a car that was, for the first time in my entire life, TOTALLY MINE! I found it, decided on the details of what I wanted in that car on my own. I drove off that lot in my brand-new car (15 Kms on it!) and for the first time started to think I just might be growing up after all.

A couple of months later I was looking for a place to live. I found one, handed over my damage deposit and first rent, got my keys and the kids & I headed over to see the place knowing it was really ours. Honestly, it's nothing to shake a stick at...a basic apartment. But as I stood in that empty living room for the first time with MY name on the lease, it hit me. At the age of 32 I had, for the first time, a place of my very own that I was fully responsible for. No husband, no roommates, no other adults to share it with. Yes my children were there with me and it was their home as well, but it all rested on my shoulders to make happen. I could decorate as I wanted, make a mess or tidy it up as I felt like...every decision was mine to make. I stood in that empty room and all I could do was say "WOAH...I am really growing up!"

But the day I really felt grown up? The day I realized my daughter was growing up. I knew it was happening but I guess part of me figured I'd feel older before she'd actually BE older. And yet one morning I woke up, just a couple months ago, and there she was...no longer a child. Or rather, a child very quickly turning into a young lady. And as we walked into the store to make our first "adult" purchase for her (a bra) I couldn't stop looking at her with wonder. Was it really possible that I could be the mother of a beautiful girl/woman already? Wasn't it just yesterday that she was a tiny little baby girl in my arms? For that matter, wasn't it just yesterday that I got MY first bra??!!!

And so I can't say I had ONE moment in time that had me realizing I was a grown-up. But for me it was better that way. I can't imagine not feeling like an adult, or at least not realizing it at all, and then BOOM! One morning waking up and finding life had snuck up on me! YIKES!! I would have had a hard time with that. Instead I was given tiny little bites...and I was able to digest the idea slowly. Having realized it, I must say there is great freedom in it. I know who I am and what I like and there is no need to apologize for that. I know what I am passionate about and what I am not and I am actively pursuing those things. It's an exciting time! So yes, it might have taken some time for me to get here, but now that I am, I am so glad the journey went the way it did and that the days to come have so much potential.

Ahhh....Here's to being an ADULT!

It's About Boundaries....

I find it interesting how God brings circumstances and opportunities to us that very clearly are there to grow us as people, to take us from where we are and push us to new levels and places. I've been intending for quite some time to re-read the book "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend. I purchased a copy of it (can't seem to find my original one) and have had it sitting next to my bed on my bedside table for the last 2 or 3 weeks...unopened. Until this weekend. Circumstances in one area of my life have prompted me to open it up and begin to read it...and a chapter & a half into the book and I am already seeing how the concepts and ideas and truths in this book are going to affect my life in many areas. And I am excited to see how my life is going to change in positive ways...even though I know some of those changes are going to require dealing with challenges and tough moments. But I say, BRING THEM ON! :)

I am the first to admit that at times I have a hard time remembering that I am not responsible for the happiness and well-being of everyone around me. And while that may seem like an obvious statement, and in some areas it is very easy for me to live accordingly, at times I find my heart leading me to places where I really don't need to be, nor should I be. Oh I can care about others, yes. But that is different. I have heard the phrase "Carry your own backpack" talking about personal boundaries. While I sort of grasped the idea, it wasn't until last night, in context, that I really understood the idea...

Galatians 6:2 -5 says:

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load."

I've read this time and again...but reading it now with the help of the "Boundaries" book, I get what is being said here:

"Help each other when things are more than a person can bear. When life throws a curveball or two at someone else, be prepared to step up and help out, even if at personal cost to you. We all go through times when life's burdens really are too heavy for us to carry on our own. But don't forget about your stuff...your attitudes, feelings, behaviours, and daily responsibilities...these are ours to carry and deal with. We are violating the boundaries of someone else when we expect them to carry our loads."

I couldn't have read about this idea at a better time as I have been struggling with the idea of being responsible for the feelings/actions/attitudes of others around me. I was feeling guilty for not doing more but yet I couldn't do more without neglecting my own responsibilities. My inability to do more has led to resentment on the part of other people towards me and I have a hard time with that. But there is nothing I can do about it. I've felt great freedom today as I begin to really grasp this idea. Yes I still feel bad that others are not happy about the situation however their reactions and subsequent actions are not my responsibility. It is theirs. wow is that freeing!! I am already feeling my load becoming less burdensome!

And so with that in mind, I am heading to bed! G'night all!

Thoughts on a Rainy Evening...

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong;

for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.

For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.

But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.

- Psalm 37:1-11 (NIV)

Rain on the street...outside my apartment.

As I sit here and ponder on this passage that Larry Boss used as part of his sermon yesterday, I am listening to the rain falling outside...there is something so peaceful about it. I feel like I am in my own little world at times like these. And it is the perfect background for my thoughts.

Once again, as happens often when I sit in the service at church, I started out listening to the sermon and was quickly distracted by my own thoughts on the passage being used. Seems God often takes parts of the sermon and lots of His Word and preaches a totally different sermon just for me, in my heart. I have been pondering on it all day today and decided that, with the backdrop of the rain, it was worth writing about. Here are some of those thoughts, and convictions...

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong...

...Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.

I have been doing just that lately...fretting. About a number of different things. I've been fretting about finances, about what certain people might be telling others about me (lies), about a number of things....and the fretting has led to frustration which in turn has turned to anger at times. And anger has caused me to say things I probably shouldn't have...to make assumptions that are probably not true. I have to say I was rather convicted by this fact.

Which brings me to the next part...

Trust in the Lord and do good...

...delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...

...Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him...

...Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

Trusting...something I have always struggled with...along with being still, waiting patiently....Pastor Larry used imagery in his sermon yesterday when referring to the phrase "Commit your way". He said that it meant take those things that you carry, take them and place them literally in the lap of the Lord. I pictured a scene from my childhood, when I'd be visiting my grandparents. My papa has always had "his" chair...a large lazy-boy style recliner. He could always be found there. And countless times I would climb up onto that chair, onto his lap, and talk to him about anything and everything. While I know that is very familiar imagery in terms of God, I get the same sense when I think about the idea of committing things to God and waiting on him...delighting myself in Him. There is safety in that, freedom. And so I sat down last night, thought about those things that weigh heaviest on my heart, wrote them down and then "climbed up into my Father's lap" and placed those thoughts and things in His lap. They are his to take care of...and while His timing may not be my timing, His is the RIGHT timing and all I just have to trust that in HIS perfect timing, the desires of my heart will be realized.

Trip to Victoria part Deux

Sunday evening ended with a game of basketball and then Monday morning I was off to the local office. Finally able to put faces to voices and names. At the end of the day I headed to my hotel where Doug & Amanda met me then we walked down to the inner harbour and had dinner at Milestones. Had fun with the camera a little bit...at the end of the meal we walked around the harbour a little bit then headed back to the hotel and home (for Doug & Amanda) and an evening of relaxing for me. Tuesday came bright and early but beautiful and sunny. It was so weird to walk down streets I have walked many many times in days gone by...so much has changed and yet so little. I didn't get a chance to head over to the university and the areas immediately around it, but part of me is glad. There are many memories around that place...I decided to leave those for another trip!

Canada Day found us packing up the car and heading up island to the Cowichan Lake area. We pumped up the dinghy and tube (or rather, Doug did!) and then headed into the river. 2 hours of floating and a few encounters with minor rapids and we were done for the afternoon! At least until the fireworks started later in the day.

All in all, it was a great trip! And despite the EARLY morning required for me to catch my flight back to Kamloops, and the slight pick-up mix-up at the airport in Kamloops, it went off without anymore hitches (couldn't really get worse after the flight on Saturday!!). Glad to be home and so is my cat! :)

Oh Canada....

Wednesday, July 1. Brought back many memories of Canada Day celebrations that we attended when I was a kid. Mom & Dad would pack us up and we'd head down to the park. We'd lay out the blanket, can't remember if there were snacks or not (Amanda, can you remember??!), and watch spectacular fireworks with everyone else. The crowds would be large and friendly (I think!) and we'd get to stay up way later than normal. I always loved it.

And today is no different. I love my country. I love standing with the people of my country and for those moments of anticipation leading up to and those moments during the fireworks, being united in pride for the country we have the privilege of living in. This truly is a beautiful country...filled with incredible people. I am reminded day after day of how great God is, how amazing the works of His hands that He has created a country, a world, as diverse as ours...filled with such extraordinary beauty.

But my heart is sad to think that in many ways we have forgotten where we came from. We've forgotten that we were a country that was meant to provide better lives for all who came to land upon her shores. A country that began with God in the middle of it all. I wonder, if we started to sing our nation's anthem with all the verses included, would we remember? Would we come back? Would God once more become the Ruler Supreme of our land? Would we as a country find our reward in Him? I don't know. But I am going to remember. And I am going to redirect my gaze towards the One who has made this land I live in. It starts with one...am I going to be the only one? I don't think I am...and I certainly hope I won't be. But in order to bring about a change we ourselves have to be catalysts of that change, and to make ourselves available to be used in whatever way and place God asks us to. It is only when we start answering the call that we will truly find our rich rewards.

O CANADA
O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The true north strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada! Where pines and maples grow, great prairies spread and lordly rivers flow, how dear to us thy broad domain, from east to western sea, thou land of hope for all who toil! Thou true north, strong and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada! Beneath thy shining skies may stalwart sons and gentle maidens rise to keep thee steadfast through the years from east to western sea, our own belovèd native land,
our true north strong and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Ruler supreme, who hearest humble prayer, hold our dominion in thy loving care. Help us to find, O God, in thee a lasting rich reward, as waiting for the better day, we ever stand on guard. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.