PMDD - Eve's Curse, My Reality

As we all know, women are blessed to experience a hormone cycle that can do strange things to our moods and stuff. Some of us are just more blessed than others. I'm one of those. And I am having a bad day today. PMDD is "a hormonal brain-biochemistry problem that results in mood and behavioral distress. The symptoms originate from two areas in the brain: the limbic area and up to the cortex. Different chemicals connect the limbic and cortex area of the brain: these are serotonin, dopamine, acetylcholine, and norepinephrine. Any changes in these chemicals affect a woman’s mood and daily functioning." (as taken from BC Women's Hospital Reproductive and Mental Health website - www.bcwomens.ca/Services/HealthServices/ReproductiveMentalHealth/MentalHealth/PMSPMDD.htm) In simpler terms, it's PMS on steroids! haha!

Anyway, all that blathering on to say that I have a few days every month where I feel like I am going insane. My nerves are on edge, I am extremely irritable, I crave chocolate like a crazy person, I have mood-swings that go from anxiousness to enraged to hostility to sadness to jumpiness and those swings happen without warning or predictability. And those are just some of the symptoms! Add to that extreme bloat (seriously - I can look like I am anywhere from 5 - 7 months pregnant...AND I AM SO NOT PREGNANT!), headaches, palpitations, EXTREME tiredness and/or insomnia....I am totally miserable to be around. I don't even like being around me.

The hard part of it is I have to somehow still be a mom. I have to be kind, loving, attentive, sensitive (in a good way), fun, etc. I have to somehow cook meals, do dishes, deal with laundry, get errands done...you know. Those regular things that make up life as a mom. Every month there are a few days when those things feel like they are impossible. Where my kids, out of no fault of their own, drive me absolutely insane. I keep praying that the days I suffer from these symptoms would occur when the kids are with their dad...but so far that hasn't been the case.

It is also during these days that I feel the full extent of how much I carry on my shoulders in terms of single parenting. There is no one to lean on, to fall back on, to hand the reins to. To take shelter in. Oh I know what some people are saying..."God is all that" and I don't disagree with you. But I have yet to see Him do my dishes or tuck my kids into bed. He isn't here to massage my back when the cramping starts or to take the kids to the park so I can have the quiet I crave (not a normal state of mind for me). It's at these times the reality of my single state is glaringly obvious for me to feel.

Today has been especially hard in light of my recent decision. There is a void there, an emptiness, and that is making it harder. I know God is faithful and He has a plan in all of that...whatever it is. I just am having a hard time waiting on Him. However, I can't help but wonder if He planned things this way...the decision, the acting on it, the PMDD rearing its ugly head in the day that followed...if there was going to be a time that I'd be relying overly much on someone other than God, it would be during these days. I have been saying over and over today "God, I give it to you. God, I am trusting you to meet all my needs. God, PLEASE fill the void, meet the needs i have, as you have promised you will, etc" over and over. I know He will...even if right now I am not feeling it. God has never failed me...has never failed to meet my needs...and I know He will meet this need as well.