A first glimpse of Victoria....

After arriving under less than ideal conditions to this beautiful city, I have recovered and am LOVING my time spent here! I rode the bus to the office this morning, something I did on a fairly frequent basis when I lived here 12 years ago, and I was struck by how different I am from that 20 year old girl. Grown up, less naive. And while part of me wishes I could have the optimism and outlook of that girl back, I wouldn't trade places with her for anything.

Yesterday was spent doing some sight-seeing, shopping, and generally just enjoying spending time with my sister, Amanda, and brother-in-law, Doug. We headed downtown mid-afternoon, parking north of the downtown core. It meant a walk through areas of Victoria that I don't remember - Chinatown and a craft market in the block previous - to get to where we wanted to go. While I don't remember these spots, I am sure there were there. I just didn't pay any attention. I paid attention this time. I was struck by how different it was...and hope to head back that way tomorrow on my lunch to take more pics. Pictured here is the gate to Chinatown...

One of the neat things we found was this tiny little alleyway right through the heart of Chinatown that was MAYBE 8 feet wide at the most. As we entered it I was struck by how much it reminded me of the picture I have in my head of the "market" place that Harry & friends would buy their school supplies before heading to Hogwarts'. I know it's not the scene pictured in the movie but when I read the books I picture something like this alleyway...only packed with people and a little darker! Walk with me, & Doug and Amanda, through the alley. As we entered, heading north, there were residences (I am assuming) on the left and little shops on the right...I was struck by the vivid colors on the doors of the apartments and the cool numbers - 16 1/2, 17 1/2, 18 1/2. It was very "unmodern" and a total surprise!! It was truly another world....

FIRST - the south entrance, Doug & Amanda up ahead (Doug is wearing the blue t-shirt and Amanda is in the green). I love the signage to the right...

SECOND - a little further into the alleyway...looking up. You can see how narrow it is here...

THIRDLY - A doorway to someone's home that struck me...I couldn't resist taking a picture. I didn't zoom in for it either. I am directly across the alleyway with my back pressed against the wall! And I mean PRESSED!!! And the camera was held as close to myself as possible!


There was this really neat noodle shop...just a hole in the wall into this room where they were making noodles. There wasn't much too this place - it really was tiny. It was this sight that had me feeling like I had really been transported to another world...who knew these little places existed?? I'd really like to try the noodles...I am sure they are the best around!!

All in all it was a great day! Ended with some really yummy hamburgers that we BBQ'd back at the house...made by Amanda. We had purple potatoes and they were really yummy! I am going to do a different post about food...Other than this shot of the Noodles-to-Go shop (check out that fancy signage!!), I'm gonna keep it all together! Easier that way!

The End of the Luggage Nightmare...

Quick update before I begin my time as a tourist...
My luggage arrived safe and sound approximately 10 minutes after I posted last night. YIPPEE!!! I was so happy to see my clothes, have my pajamas, my glasses, etc. That was so nice.
Last night wasn't totally a source of frustration...it was great to get here and see where my sister, Amanda, and her husband, Doug are living (although it was late/dark by the time we got home!). In the 9 years that they have been married I have never visited them in their own home (they've come to mine) so it was a little bit weird for me the first few minutes. Not sure why but I got over that in a hurry! Amanda made homemade pizza for us for dinner and we found ourselves sitting down to it around 10:30 at night! While we ate we watched a super funny movie...from France. It was in French and had subtitles and was the funniest movie I have seen in a long while! I am going to rent it again when I get home because I have a few people in mind that need to watch it!! I am not one to recommend foreign films very often as I generally don't watch them but this one is one I'd consider owning. Not only is it funny but it speaks to how we think about others and treat others based upon stereotypes and misconceptions. It was well worth the time it took to watch it!
And so that ended day one of my time in Victoria...it all ended well...and I was able to go to sleep with peace in my heart knowing that everything was where it should be.

Oh where is my luggage...???

Well today (yesterday/Saturday) was a day that became an exercise in PATIENCE. Grrrrrr. An exercise I could have done without, thank you very much! haha

I left Kamloops today for Victoria and by the time it was all said and done could have gotten here just as quickly by driving as I did by flying. I arrived at the Kamloops airport around 2:15 p.m. to check-in and all that jazz with Air Canada Jazz. My flight was originally scheduled to depart Kamloops at 3:10 p.m. Within a couple minutes of arriving at the airport we got word that the flight had been delayed approximately 20 - 30 minutes. Not a big deal...but would result in a very quick layover in Vancouver rather than one that would leave a few minutes for grabbing a bite to eat and a refreshing walk around the terminal. 30 minutes turned into 45, then an hour...and finally they announced that they were looking into a possible mechanical issue with the airplane. At this point they changed my original flight out of Vancouver to Victoria from the 5:00 flight to the 6:00. Sigh. Okay. I could deal with that.

After a snack of chips, a nap on the chairs, another snack...a few phone calls to my sister in Victoria, and yet another announcement we were told that they were still trying to figure things out and that they'd update us again shortly. 20 more minutes (by now it's almost 4:30) and they let us know that the plane was NOT going to fly but they were redirecting a flight out of Penticton to pick us up and it would be in Kamloops at 6:30. Turned out it arrived 15 minutes earlier than expected (oh yea) and FINALLY we were on our way.

The flight to Vancouver went smoothly albeit hungrily - at this point I had eaten cookie dough, a yogurt, a bag of hickory sticks and some licorice and that was it for the day. I WAS STARVING! And TIRED. In Vancouver I was very happy to see a Tim Horton's - a source of food & water (well in this case, coffee, but amounts to the same thing some days!). I arrived in Victoria at 8:30 - only 3 hours behind schedule - eagerly made my way to the baggage carousel. As it started up I watched the bags come out and go around...and get picked up by their owners...until there were no more bags left, everyone else had gone and I was left standing there with nothing but a computer and a few books. OH and my lipstick (at least I had that).

AFTER ALL THAT....THEY LOST MY ONE PIECE OF LUGGAGE!!!!!!!!! AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I couldn't believe it! They delayed my flight, stuck me next to a woman that REEKED of stale smoke (trip to Vancouver) rather than getting my two seats to myself, put me next to Miss "Chatty Cathy" to Victoria who kept trying to lean over me to see the ocean...and then....and then they LOST MY BAG!!! And kindly offered to reimburse me for the necessary incidentals I might need...toothbrush, deodarent, etc. but only up to $50. Um...HELLO? Who decides what is necessary??? I needed shampoo, conditioner, deodarent, contact solution (although I don't have my glasses - they are in my suitcase), saline to clean my piercing, a razor, tooth paste, underwear, pajamas...before I even got to my sister's place my trip cost me an extra $75! Grrrrr!!!

To make matters worse, it is now almost 1:00 in the morning and apparently my bag is out for delivery but there is no telling what time it might get here. I am tired. I am ready for bed. And all I want are my jammies packed in my suitcase!! oh and my glasses. Those would be nice. Sigh.

Like I said, a lesson in patience....one I could have done without. Tomorrow is going to be a better day...right??!!!

My new piercing...

I know not everyone is into these kinds of things and that's okay...but I am not one of those people...I am now sporting 11 piercings! 5 in one ear, 4 in the other with yet another in my nose and now the latest one....my belly button! I LOVE IT!!!!!! And am already thinking of the next one...although it will be a while before I do that...IF I do that! I'm going to post pictures eventually but not tonight....it's a bit tender yet. :)

Two steps forward...one step back...

I am sitting comfortably in my "big girl" bed in my grown-up room feeling the push towards continued change. Recently I took the plunge and eradicated the last vestiges of furniture that remained as part of my room from when I was married...Every time I looked at them (daily) I was reminded of circumstances and things that I have worked hard to put behind me. So one weekend in early April Dara & I headed down to Vancouver and I came back the owner of 2 new night tables, headboard, dresser and 2 lamps (along with various other items for the living room!) and VOILA! My bedroom was transformed! Now it just needs some pretty turquoise (teal) blue curtains to go floor to ceiling on the wall the window is on (whole wall covered) and a little artwork on the one wall across from teh bed and I'm good to go. But this wasn't an easy task, transforming this space...it took hours of moving things from one dresser into another space while the new dresser was assembled and furniture had to be moved around and moved back and on and on and on. But in the end the sweat, blood, muscle strains, etc was so worth it. And it's become a metaphor for me of what my life is like in Christ....

I have floundered a bit the last few days in terms of where I am at with specific relationships and stuff...and as a result have had a tough evening trying to, mentally, regain some of the ground I lost in the process. However, God is a God of grace and patience and it's a very good thing He is as I probably test His daily! haha!! So...I took a couple steps backwards but, head down and into the wind, I am doggedly moving forward into the fray. That wind might try to blow me backwards but I am determined to move my life from where it is to where I want it to be and that means leaving behind those things that hinder and entangle me. One step at a time...

Part of moving forward requires getting "out there" and involved more. Following what my heart is telling me I need to do. I need to open myself up and be available for whatever God brings my way. Be proactive instead of reactive. I am trying to do that. I have felt for some time that I really wanted to help in the nursery at the church so, instead of just thinking about it and doing nothing, I contacted the church and told them that. And I am slated for two times this summer. I'll be added to the schedule for the fall...and I am really excited about that. I remember when I had my two little ones and if it wasn't for people willing and able to work in the nursery of my church, I wouldn't have sat through a single service in a couple years. I rarely helped in the nursery during those years...I had no desire to be there...but now I do and I can so it is my turn to give to and serve those parents of little children who would otherwise not be able to attend a service. Can't wait!

There are other ways I'd like to get involved in as well...worship bands, youth group...but I am still praying and seeking on those ones. I've put the word out there through an email to the church that i am interested in getting connected to a worship band but haven't heard anything back yet. Might not. And if that's the case, I will take that as a "Not right now" from God and leave myself available for other things. Like possibly the youth ministries or maybe something else entirely!

I also want to get plugged in with an older woman in the church who can mentor me somewhat. I have an idea who I want to talk to...she's a fantastic woman of God, very involved in the church, has strengths in areas that I am weak personally, and I feel comfortable talking to and with her. I KNOW she prays for me and I have a feeling she would be thrilled to come alongside me. So I am going to give her a call (or maybe an email) this week - tomorrow.

So there you have it...the journey continues.

Oh by the way...if anyone knows anyone who is able to sew and who might be willing to help sew aforementioned curtains for me, I'd appreciate it to no end!! I can't find what I want in stores so am going to have to go to the fabric store and start from scratch. But I can't sew. Give me a call!!

Selling...

Well, I'm doing it. I'm finally selling all the scrapbooking and Stamping stuff I have been holding onto as a visible/tangible sign of my ongoing struggle to maintain an identity during my marriage. I didn't realize until recently that much of what I am holding onto is not because I actually like it and will use it but because it is a symbol of a struggle and a war I no longer have to fight. And so, realizing that, I am letting it go. Over 40 stamp sets, a ton of embellishments (those are still being sorted, photographed and uploaded to the album on facebook), storage totes, tools, etc are all going. Why hold onto things I have rarely used in the last 8 years and not at all in the last 2??? What a liberating feeling it is to let go of stuff, to let go of the past, and know that I am making room for the future?! As well as, hopefully, paying down some debt at the same time (which means I am trusting God to bring buyers my way!)??!! If you are reading this and are interested in seeing what I have for sale, check out the link:

http://www.facebook.com/groups.php?ref=sb#/album.php?aid=103330&id=723236267

A moment of irony...

A few weeks ago I signed up to take a financial management seminar at my church. We did the first portion a week ago and today was the second portion. We were supposed to do some homework stuff involving our bank accounts, etc, so I went to do that last night and couldn't find my wallet in the house. No problem. I probably left it in my car last night when I came in with the kids. I'd grab it in the morning.

Well this morning arrived and I couldn't find it in the car either. Well now this is a problem because I didn't really have any lunch stuff I could bring with me to the seminar for our brown bag lunch. I was planning to run to the grocery store and pick up a few things. How does one do that with no bank cards??

Well, one borrows some cash from their friend. Yes that's right. I spent the day at a financial management seminar during which I borrowed cash. Talk about ironic. The new plan kicks in tomorrow to incur no more debt. And I am going to implement the "pay your smallest debt first" plan into place tomorrow as well. Debt #1 - owe Dara $20. :)

By the way....the seminar was good. And I am determined to do things differently with my finances.

Laughing to tears...

No....that's not a "joy to mourning" type reference but an indication as to how hard we have been laughing this morning.

It all started with my recounting the events of last night...and while the end result isn't funny, the actions of those involved in the midst of it sure were! Emily was playing at lunch yesterday and her friend decided to see how high she could kick. Unfortunately Emily got a little too close....and her friend's foot connected with her nose. Well, APPARENTLY her nose went totally numb for quite a while and she couldn't feel a thing. Now, as an adult, I would have just left it alone and said nothing. However Emily told her friends that she couldn't feel her nose which led to them testing the theory out - grabbing it and stuff. According to Emily she couldn't feel it...and then suddenly she could and it hurt BAD!!! Um, DUH! You just got kicked in the nose!!! HELLO!!!! haha Oh the incomprehensible workings of the 9 year old mind! Long story short we ended up at the ER last night and she has fractured her poor little nose! I am keeping an eye on it to see if it swells up more and it's now just a wait and get better game. But my goodness!! "It was numb so I let hte kids pull on it and stuff, mom. Then it REALLY started to hurt!!" Shaking my head!

Then this morning as I checked my facebook I saw my co-worker's status "Morning to-do list: Look in the mirror before leaving the house." It appears that all of us have our heads in teh clouds or something because yesterday she went ALL DAY LONG with her shirt on inside-out! None of us noticed. Not even her when she was bugged by a thread hanging from the side of her shirt at lunch time as we stood in McDonald's waiting for our food....she held hte side of her shirt out and commented on it to another co-worker and neither one of them noticed that the thread was coming from the VISIBLE SEAM of her shirt!!!!! Oh my goodness!! We were laughing so hard about that this morning....and checking ourselves to make sure we were all put together properly!! hahahaha

Nothing like a good hard tear-producing laugh to start off your morning!!

How I get through a day....

I have a confession to make. I rarely sleep the recommended # of hours of sleep "they" say we are supposed to have. In fact a long night of sleep for me is 6 hours. Most often I get 5, 5 1/2 hours. So how do I make it through the day is a question I get asked often.

Let me answer that with this picture! It's a Venti Latte with mocha drizzle. mmmm. However I can't justify or afford 2 or 3 of these a day! So these are a treat. Most often I just drink large mugs of strong coffee...for the better part of the morning. Sometimes one in the afternoon. On days like today I have a small one at supper.

The really crazy thing about the amount of coffee I drink now is this: it's not even close to the amount of coffee I drank 10 years ago!!! Back when I used to work as the administrator at the Alliance church in Fort McMurray my day typically looked like this in terms of coffee:

8:30 a.m. - stop at Tim Horton's on way to work for an extra large coffee.
9:00 - make 12 cup pot of coffee at the office
9 - 3:00 - drink whole pot of coffee, sometimes two
3:15 - swing through Tim Horton's for another extra large coffee

After that my consumption would depend on my activity. Sometimes I'd have one or two cups of coffee in the evening, sometimes what I had drank during the day would be it for the day.

Crazy I know. I had to cut back when I got pregnant with Emily....but I still drank way more than I should have. I've been trying to increase my intake of water and decrease my intake of coffee...so far I've managed to drink about the same of each. Sigh. Maybe someday I'll be able to say that WATER is how I get through the day.....

Ahhhh....

The wonders a good sleep can do! WOW! I have no idea if all is back to "normal" however I am feeling much more "normal" today than yesterday! For now the world is safe from the wrath of Jocelyn! haha

OH and a good cup of coffee always helps too!

PMDD - Eve's Curse, My Reality

As we all know, women are blessed to experience a hormone cycle that can do strange things to our moods and stuff. Some of us are just more blessed than others. I'm one of those. And I am having a bad day today. PMDD is "a hormonal brain-biochemistry problem that results in mood and behavioral distress. The symptoms originate from two areas in the brain: the limbic area and up to the cortex. Different chemicals connect the limbic and cortex area of the brain: these are serotonin, dopamine, acetylcholine, and norepinephrine. Any changes in these chemicals affect a woman’s mood and daily functioning." (as taken from BC Women's Hospital Reproductive and Mental Health website - www.bcwomens.ca/Services/HealthServices/ReproductiveMentalHealth/MentalHealth/PMSPMDD.htm) In simpler terms, it's PMS on steroids! haha!

Anyway, all that blathering on to say that I have a few days every month where I feel like I am going insane. My nerves are on edge, I am extremely irritable, I crave chocolate like a crazy person, I have mood-swings that go from anxiousness to enraged to hostility to sadness to jumpiness and those swings happen without warning or predictability. And those are just some of the symptoms! Add to that extreme bloat (seriously - I can look like I am anywhere from 5 - 7 months pregnant...AND I AM SO NOT PREGNANT!), headaches, palpitations, EXTREME tiredness and/or insomnia....I am totally miserable to be around. I don't even like being around me.

The hard part of it is I have to somehow still be a mom. I have to be kind, loving, attentive, sensitive (in a good way), fun, etc. I have to somehow cook meals, do dishes, deal with laundry, get errands done...you know. Those regular things that make up life as a mom. Every month there are a few days when those things feel like they are impossible. Where my kids, out of no fault of their own, drive me absolutely insane. I keep praying that the days I suffer from these symptoms would occur when the kids are with their dad...but so far that hasn't been the case.

It is also during these days that I feel the full extent of how much I carry on my shoulders in terms of single parenting. There is no one to lean on, to fall back on, to hand the reins to. To take shelter in. Oh I know what some people are saying..."God is all that" and I don't disagree with you. But I have yet to see Him do my dishes or tuck my kids into bed. He isn't here to massage my back when the cramping starts or to take the kids to the park so I can have the quiet I crave (not a normal state of mind for me). It's at these times the reality of my single state is glaringly obvious for me to feel.

Today has been especially hard in light of my recent decision. There is a void there, an emptiness, and that is making it harder. I know God is faithful and He has a plan in all of that...whatever it is. I just am having a hard time waiting on Him. However, I can't help but wonder if He planned things this way...the decision, the acting on it, the PMDD rearing its ugly head in the day that followed...if there was going to be a time that I'd be relying overly much on someone other than God, it would be during these days. I have been saying over and over today "God, I give it to you. God, I am trusting you to meet all my needs. God, PLEASE fill the void, meet the needs i have, as you have promised you will, etc" over and over. I know He will...even if right now I am not feeling it. God has never failed me...has never failed to meet my needs...and I know He will meet this need as well.

A breath of fresh air...or is that "New Car"??

It's coming up on the 1 year "anniversary" of when I acquired my new car...my very first very own car! At the age of 32! haha In all that time I haven't taken any pictures of it. SO after washing it on Saturday I decided it was about time! And here it is....my super cool car!

2008 Toyota Matrix XR
5-Speed Automatic
2.4 Litre

My car has guts! I LOVE IT!!! Handles really well. And doesn't look like a "MOM CAR"! Not like my old mini-van anyway! Nothing wrong with mini-vans but they are just really not me!! It's a ton of fun to drive! And is a vehicle I will enjoy owning for a few more years.

Leaping....

I did it. And right now I feel a bit like there is a big hole. But I know that I did the right thing and things will work out somehow. I'm going to conduct myself in a way that is pleasing to God...and I know he is going to supply all my needs. And that promise is one I am banking on.

A lesson in Trust

It's amazing how much we take sleep for granted...until we can't sleep.

Last night I had the privilege of wrestling with some heart issues - not the physical kind but the inner/spiritual kind. Since I lost my job on April 15, 2009, I've felt God on more than one occasion challenging me to give it all to Him and trusting Him with every aspect of my life. This is something I have a hard time...trusting and obeying. Bottom line it comes down to self-reliance. Ironically that was what the message was on at church yesterday. Relying on God as opposed to ourselves...the ultimate humbling experience. One idea that Larry touched on was the idea that it's only when we let go and take ourselves off the throne of self-appointed self-reliance can God lift us up. We must come down to go up.

It was a result of this thought that I was awake still at 4:00 a.m. A little while back there was a message preached on the 10 Commandments, specifically the one about having no other gods but God. Combining that with self-reliance and events of the weekend and I was hit once again by the truth that I was placing someone in God's place. And I was not trusting God to meet all of my needs. The result of that realization is choice. "Choose this day whom you will serve." I choose to serve God above all others and to trust him for everything. SO how can I not trust him in this area as well?

And here is where the hard part comes in...in order to trust God completely to meet my need for companionship, and to rid myself of those things He has shown me I am putting ahead of Him, I have to separate myself from those things or that person. In many ways this breaks my heart...walking away from a friendship to follow what I know is God's leading...while it should be "easy", it's not. But again this is where the self-reliance and lack of trust has come in to play. To have that conversation and then walk away leaves a big hole in my life....or so it seems. Being the person I am, I also know that this is going to cause pain for someone else and that is so hard for me.

BUT I AM STANDING ON THE PROMISES OF MY GOD AND SAVIOR. He has promised that if we do as He requires, He will meet all our needs according to His Glorious Riches in Christ Jesus. And so, just as I am trusting Him to meet my financial needs (so much easier to trust Him with that!), I am also trusting Him with my emotional needs, my need for companionship. And stepping out in faith. Lord, all I see is a black hole of emptiness....fill it even as I remove those persons from my life that I have placed in front of you. Forgive me for my foolishness....heal my heart as it breaks in this process. Thank you for being so faithful despite my lack of faith.

Mmmm Chocolate! Milk and Dark chocolate rosebuds to be exact! I don't know what it is about them but I can't get enough of them! Confession time...I buy them by the bulk food bag!! Granted I don't eat them all at once - sometimes it's just nice to know they are there. This bag resides in my desk at work...and is one of those secrets about me that most people don't know. Yes...I am a chocoholic and my name is Jocelyn.

At the age of 33 I finally feel like life is starting to really happen for me. I am in a job I really like. It's been 2 years since I left my marriage and I can say today that I have come very very far. I've healed and am moving on. So this is going to be my story from here on in.