Today....

I woke up this morning and did what I do every morning....reached for my cell phone to text a "Good morning" greeting only I couldn't because I am taking a month off from all that.  I have to admit that today I am feeling the pain of the reality of things more than on the weekend.  My heart is sad.  And I know that I need to trust all this to God but it's in the moments of pain that sometimes it is really hard.  But I know He knows my needs, my desires, my hurts and my joys.  He is in control and has nothing but good in mind for me.  I just need to keep on holding onto Him and trusting Him in the every day moments of my day...especially those moments when I am missing another terribly....He does work all things together for good even if I can't see the final big picture in this moment, He knows what it's going to look like in the end.

"Your Grace...still amazes me..."

Photo courtesy of John E. McCauley; Taken by Brett Burrow

Your Grace Still Amazes Me  (Click link to listen)

This song says it all...as I sit here tonight and think on the last few years, and more recently, months, I am astounded by the grace the Father has shown me.  Time and again I have failed Him...and yet He is always there for me.  He never leaves me.  No matter what I do or how far I stray, He is always there...

What truly amazes me is how little I deserve His love and forgiveness and tender mercies.  And yet each and every day He is making them available to me.  Each day he renews me.  Waits for me to come to Him and once again lay my life in His hands.  Every day.  And every day He astounds me with His grace.

The last few days have been anything but easy and at times I have felt like nothing good would come out of the situation.  How could it?  But yesterday I felt peace about things for the first time and today even more so.  I have no idea where God is taking me or what He's going to do with this heart of mine...but I know His grace is beyond sufficient...and He will heal my soul and renew my heart.

This is my prayer, too, for others...that they may realize that despite the fact that we are undeserving of it, God is standing waiting with hands open ready to give us the gift of His grace.  It truly is deeper, wider, stronger and higher than anything our eyes can see....and yet it's right here...always.  Available to us.  Wow.  THAT amazes me....

1 Day down....179 Days to go....

...in my 6 months No Dating time.  I know it's early in but I had a tough time last night.  But I know that was in part due to the fact that I had just told someone that I wouldn't be in contact with them for a month...while I decided what I wanted in terms of friendship.  It's hard when circumstances and events lead you to the point with someone where you aren't even sure you want that anymore.  Especially for me as I am one who doesn't totally expose themselves to just anyone...I have a small handful of people that I have done that with and he's one of them.  So to think about not having that friendship....well, it's a big deal.  However, I really need to consider a lot of things....and make sure I don't put myself into a position where I get hurt like I have.

I had a dream last night, or rather this morning while I slept in, that involved my current situation as well as a girlfriend of mine...her story, in my dream, made my situation look like nothing!!  We were with another friend of mine and her man...driving somewhere and he was testing me in my "No dating for 6 months" thing...kept showing me pictures of his friends - HOT friends! haha - and telling me that he could set up a date with any one of them for me if I was interested and I WAS STICKING TO MY GUNS! :)  I always like it when my dreams back up my awake decisions!  haha  It was certainly interesting!

Today I am going to start reading "Boundaries"...I've started it before but haven't really gotten much past the first chapter for whatever reason...usually because I get busy and haven't had time for a lot of reading.  But this time it's different...and I intend to finish it this week.  I'll post my observations and thoughts as I go...I have a feeling there are going to be a few "AHA!" moments in the next few days!

Addendum to my earlier post....

I've been doing a lot of thinking today about what I would say to the one who has hurt me if I had the opportunity to say something face to face.  I know I could have listed all kinds of things that had hurt me.  And while I can think of one or two, I really am feeling hard pressed to think of all the little things.  That is how I am...I get angry but it doesn't take long before I am passed that moment and I, as always, am left trying hard to remember details.  However, that doesn't diminish the fact that I have still been hurt.  What worries me though is that, despite my declaration that I need space and time away from it all, I could easily forget that and end up back where I was before.  And so while I may not feel the anger any longer, I still need to remember what had me feeling that way in the first place and I also need to make sure I take the time I need to ensure my heart is healed.  Which leads me to my decision to take six months without dating.  I need to concentrate on continuing to grow and learn about who I am and what makes me tick.  I need to take the time to grow in my faith and give God time to show me what He wants for me.  And one of the things I am going to start learning is about boundaries and how to set them and stick to them!  Yes, I'm getting there...have come a long way from where I used to be but I still have a long way to go.....

Thoughts and Decisions...

Not really sure what all I am feeling today but I have come to a few conclusions and decisions about some things. And thought I'd share those with you.

Anger - it's not a bad thing to feel when someone has hurt you.  It can be useful in helping you make decisions and choices that need to be made.  I don't need to feel bad for holding someone accountable for their actions towards me that cause me to feel hurt and anger.  In fact it's healthy for me to allow myself to feel that hurt and anger and, when appropriate, express how I am feeling and what I am thinking as a result.  I say all this because my usual MO is to feel it, stuff it down or not let myself feel it, tell the person that it's okay and not to worry about it, and leave it all.  But then that opens the door to allow them to do it again...because I feel bad if I make them feel bad...and so I just let it be.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  Starting today I am expressing it when it needs to be.  Letting it be known that it is not okay to hurt me or indirectly my children.  It is not okay to treat me badly.  It is okay to make choices and decisions but every choice and decision we make has consequences.  Starting today I am going to put boundaries in place when these things happen.  I have to say allowing myself to feel and do in this way feels really good.  I am not responsible for the way others feel...I am responsible for how I allow them to treat me.

Kids - I know that not everyone understands or subscribes to the idea that children are a gift from God.  But I believe that.  But my actions through the last nine years don't back that up.  I have never stood before my church and dedicated my children, and my family, to God.  And after listening to the Kastens this morning I realized that I really need to.  And so I am going to.  Having made the decision I am realizing how big a deal it really is.  And I wish I had gone with my heart back when the kids were younger.  I always wanted to do it but their dad wasn't a big fan of the idea.  I followed his lead in that but never agreed.  I am going to follow it on September 19th.  And I can't wait!

Well there was a little more that I had thought about today but for now I am tired and going to go and take my Sunday afternoon nap.  More to come later.

Matters of the Heart...

I must confess that many of my life lessons have come from moments of heartache caused by failed relationships with men.  For some reason I find myself ashamed to admit that...maybe that's because there have been a few of those or maybe it's because I've always thought of myself as a strong woman and yet so weak or blind when it comes to men.  Whatever the reason, I'm not proud of this fact.

The latest episode involves myself and a man I have counted my friend for a while now, a man who I foolishly trusted with my a great part of my heart.  I hesitate to say all of my heart because I think a part of me knew I better hold back some of it.  And turns out I was right to do that.  The pattern was there and I just refused to acknowledge it...the chance to be together but rejected until it's not possible (generally because I started dating someone else) and then the talk, the pressure would be on until it was possible again.  The old "Don't want what you have until you can't have it" scenario.  AND I FELL FOR IT!  For a little while i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...that the being together couldn't be true, could it??  And sure enough on Friday night at 10:30 or so it dropped.  For the final time.

In the past I have been a very understanding and accomodating person with all this.  A putz, if the truth be told.  "You don't know what you want?  That's okay...I can wait."  "You just want to be friends?  Well that's not totally what I want but okay...it's better than nothing." I was hurt, disrespected, mistreated and yet not once in all that time did I get really angry.  If it was one of my girlfriends doing that I'd be kicking her ass.  WELL NO MORE!!  Those days are over.

When the shoe dropped it was accompanied with the phrase "I really want us to be friends and I think we can be." To which I replied my stock phrase "Well I would like to be friends so yes, I think we can be too".  By the time I returned home last night things were changing.  I had agreed to accompany him to a party at a friend's place out of town tonight but already knew, in the 7 minutes it took for me to drive home, that I wasn't going to do that.  And this morning when I woke up, I knew what I really wanted.  And for the first time, friendship, relationship of any kind, with this person was at the bottom of the list.  And I was feeling ANGRY.

I still feel angry.  As per usual, after making such a decision, he pulled out the "poor me...I'm so sad" card and this time I was having none of it.  My response was different than before.  This time it was "Too bad.  You made a choice.  Deal with it.  I don't want to hear about it." And I truly don't.  He is choosing to live his life and not include me in it the way he said he wanted me in it.  Fine.  Don't expect me to be all sympathetic and crap.  

At this point I am ready to "wash that man right out of my hair".  For the first time in a long time I think about not having him in my life and I don't feel the least bit sad about that.  I know that's partly because I am angry but damn it!  I have every right to be angry.  One person's selfishness has caused me to be hurt.  And not just me.  5 kids are involved in this as well.  And if he thinks for one second that they won't be affected, he's wrong.  He's going to have to live with that.  

I'm still not quite sure what lesson I am learning from all this...in time I am sure I'll figure that out.  But what I do know is this:  No more lessons learned this way.  I say that but I have no idea how that is going to be accomplished.  Maybe by not having anything to do with them in any way other than friendship.  Hmmm...that has me thinking...

I talked the other day about the movie "Julie & Julia" and how she, Julie, embarked on a one year journey of cooking through Julia Child's cookbook.  I said something about maybe my life needs a challenge of sorts in it.  I wonder, can I go 6 months without dating at all?  Hmmm...I know there would be some days in which it's easy to hold to.  And other times not so much.  But maybe that's the point.  Maybe, just maybe, it's in that time that i will learn the greatest lessons....

Yes, I am going to do it.  YIKES!  Six months.  That's September 6 (cuz it's already Sunday!) to March 5, 2010.  That will be 180 days.  No dates.  No relationships other than friendships.  Even if I meet someone I really want to date, no dice.  If they are interested in me and worth dating, they'll wait and get to know me as a friend first.  But first...I need to go and unfriend someone on Facebook.  Some would say that is drastic but I need to do it....part of starting fresh.

New day.  New lessons.  New challenges.  New me.  (Dang this is going to be hard, I think!)

An Empty Mind...

Not sure if it's the sign of something more serious or if it's a momentary blip however lately my mind has been rather empty of anything profound or interesting. I honestly have nothing to talk about, or so it feels like, with anyone. And I can only think that it's because my life is so steeped in routine, and lacking in variety, to the point that there really is nothing new or interesting to talk about! YIKES!!! I really need to add some spice and interest to my life. But how?

How does one add interest and experience to their lives when finances are a bit of an issue? In an ideal world I'd plan a trip or two, or sign up for a series of classes. And while the classes aren't out of the question, which ones I take are still limited due to the new "debt reduction" plan I am embarking on (more on that in another post!). I'm going to start getting involved with youth at the church as of next weekend (do I really know what I am getting myself into??!!) but will that be enough to create interest? I guess if it's not, I have bigger issues cuz I am thinking that being involved with the youth is going to take up a fair amount of my time and energy! Maybe, rather than being a little worried about my lack of anything to say, I should be thankful for this period of brain rest?

I went and watched "Julie & Julia" last night and it really got me thinking about life. And goals. And I have some...goals, that is, but life has happened and put some of those goals on the back burner. I was hoping to start school here in the fall but instead I lost my job and my reality is that I really need to work for a while. And so now I am finding myself in this strange place where I don't really know where things are going for me or what I am doing. The movie has had me wondering all day what it is that I am passionate about and what is a project that I could assign myself with a deadline? I'm not entirely sure...I am not a cook so I know that cooking is NOT going to be my project! So I am going to have to think on that...ask questions of those who know me well, ponder on things a little bit. Music, reading, writing, papercrafting...all things I enjoy but what can I do that encompass one of those things? I really don't know. Yes...it bears thinking on....